WHY is today going soooooo daaaammmnnnn ssssssllllooooooooooooooowwwww???
It's driving me crazy!!
My Inner Bitch Calendar's quote for yesterday:
Your Inner Bitch knows that our grandmothers were right when they said, "Don't worry, honey. Men are like trolleys. Miss one and another will come along soon."
Since hope and love no longer apply to my martial situation, life is going to be, well, fucked up and weird for a bit. The soon-to-be ex expressed last night that he believes my focus as not been on our relationship but on getting a house. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and that's fine if that's what he really and honestly thinks. I don't really, quite, see how a material goal/objective relates to the emotional one in this case, but ok. Because, a house is a place that becomes a home, to put down roots (hopefully) and make memories and be a part of one's life. But it's not going to change a persons personality or political views or core characteristics. Not that I've ever seen. It can put stresses on finances, of course, but so does the rent went it goes up each year - at least with a house, the mortgage will go down as you pay. And yes, you don't have to pay for certain things when renting (water or trash typically, if something breaks management has to fix it, etc)...but at the same time you can't put in a garden, or change any features to the place and you get to listen to you neighbors above/below you with all the joys of turning up the remote to block out their sounds - or putting your ear to the floor to hear in details their fights. Or turn down your TV because you feel the neighbors will complain. I wonder how many times they've shaken their heads when someone farted really loud?? Or when my kid is dancing around being silly?
Granted, this is, I am sure, only one of the many things that has annoyed and bothered him over the years, it will at least not being his problem going forward. At least, not in the long term.
Me getting a home, a place I want to live and do all those wonderful things in for the next 10 or so years, is a goal. It's not one I was ever shy about wanting, it did not come out of the blue. It's not something I put above my relationship either, because I don't equate those in the same terms or values at all. Honestly, if someone thinks buying a home changes how I feel emotionally, well, that is and never has been the case.
What is past, is past. It's gone and there is no changing it. I have many regrets. But, life is like that. Hind sight is always 20/20.
Some moments are much much better than others. Mornings, I am cranky and angry. Dividing things up makes me cry. I feel like I have wasted so much on something that wasn't reciprocated. That burns. A lot.
But love, like life, moves and changes and can be found again. Just, perhaps, with someone else who will feel the same way...