Happiness

 

I was looking at inspiration quotes and saw this one.

I know I haven't been happy and I've been trying to find my vibe, my groove to shift that. It's hard! 

Me being me, I have to search and analyze and see if something like X, Y or Z works and if not try something else. And sometimes a small thing will work for a short time and I think I'm unto something but then a big fat NOPE. 

The stress of the holidays didn't help. The never ending stress at the job, will I or won't I get laid off, is still staring at me. 

And then when you have an epiphany, and you're like "oh...oh damn" and you hate that epiphany because of what it means and you want to be in a different timeline or multi-verse. But then you don't feel as numb. You aren't as angry or annoyed because you realize at least one small part of your own down-self issue of what's causing stupid unhappiness is in yourself. 

I don't know even half of what I am feeling. I know some pieces. I feel like I have this trail of bread crumbs I need to follow for a bit and see where it leads. 

It's just fucking hard. 

Changing how you view yourself, how to set boundaries, how to have inner peace and then maybe outer peace, is really fucking difficult. Changing - and I have never been scared of changes - is work.

Right now, I just want my time. I just want me. I don't want or need much other than that. I need time to focus and breathe and exist without anyone but me. That is so beyond hard it's wild.

Grateful

I am not typically the happiest on my birthday, and while I know several reasons for this, it's just not something I look forward to each year. Now, my amazing bf has certainly made my last few birthdays wonderful on multiple levels and I am seriously grateful for that. This year, on top of my birthday I got my period, so I just was not having any ideas about anything other than not thinking about too much.

So when you have a day off to yourself and you're crying at Mary dying in Sherlock Holmes, you start to go, just wtf is going on here!! Ok, so a bit was the PMS and a bit just the normal tangle of life. I guess it just let some self-introspection and realization that, damn, I am a pretty good life and for that I am lucky and grateful. I have an awesome job, an awesome kid, an awesome boyfriend and my house, while a bit messy, is perfect for right and I'm going to school on top of everything else. There are minor issues, small annoyances, things to figure out for later and things to just get done now - but in the overall outlook, I am happy. Happy with myself and really almost everything.

Sometimes I need to just take a moment and realize these things and to let whatever does bother me, just go.

Just a brief moment

Do you ever have a moment, while drinking or not, that you just think about life and just how damn happy you are? Because I have this amazing boyfriend, I am so happy to find the kind of person I need and appreciate in my life.

That is pretty significant, no? Realizing how amazing it is to be loved and to the love the person who loves you.

Love is not always easy, though it's not quite a battle either. I am so thankful that my love is not a battle, like my last relationship. I am so happy that he just loves me, seriously, loves me just because of me. Good or bad mood, good or bad day, just because we get it. We understand each other. We understand the other.

Have you have that moment of clarty, of just understanding?

That you're both blessed and amazed that the one who loves you and you love back?

I realize this might seem simple, or whatever. But actually finding someone that cares and loves you makes such an amazing thing in ones life.

It's a relief, that breath of happiness, the utterly content moment of just love. I don't even really know how to explain how damn happy I am.

It's just that little minor yet significant moment, of :
I love you
I miss you
I wish you were here

These quick and seemingly minor moments, though I will admit it can't happen unless you love yourself. Loving yourself is so critical, without you can't really know how much love impacts your life. We take ourselves for granted, we really don't always understand how important and vital self love is to our overall happiness. Self, and significant other love helps us know us. Our friends, ourselves, our loved ones, these moments come in amazingly brief ideas and we're able to figure yourself in just that right moment.