Free write 5 minutes for class

 that sound of silence that makes you want to breathe and cry at the same time. the moment of the a day where you can feel your heart beat and you don't want it to because of the pain it may cause. That brief, ever so brief of a moment where you are so frustrated and happy for it that you can't imagine how insane it can be to function in an every day world. the music of that silence, the harmony of the quiet that is so damn loud that you feel shattered by it It's a moment I crave and want and don't want to exist in. That heart break of losing him, that idea of drinking his favorite drink and remembering his voice and how amazing his hug was. I want to cry but I just want silence, the quiet of my mind and soul. I want to feel numb and delve into the deeps of why I even feel this way. That silence, where you feel it and hear it and dwell in it, all at the same time as the cars pass by and the cat meows at me and the work must continue. No, I want to silence the ache in my heart and silence the pain I don't feel at the sadness. I need a breath, a painstakingly difficult moment of silence.

Missing him

Today is a bit of rough day. Two years ago I got the call that my dad had died. It was the start of roller coaster, for sure. And thankfully things are mostly settled down. I gained a lot of weight and let my bad habit run wild for a bit. But that too is calming down and I'm in the process of reducing the weight again :)

So tonight, I made NY Steak Strip, shrimp, these great little decorative potatoes, sauteed asparagus and steamed broccoli. Dad would have loved it.

Now for some Drambuie.

I miss him. A lot.

Here are some pictures of him across the years.

A Mini Update

I had a suspicion this month was going to be rough one. It's almost been one year since my Dad died. His birthday, father's day and death all happened this month. Adding to this, I am taking 2 classes at the same time, something I try to avoid because I like my sanity and having at least some time to spend with those I love. It's all stressful.

So. To add to the drama, my sister. Who *was* a ward of the state until this past week. She's struggling, but I do think she will be able to swim in the long term, with some help along the way. But damn, it's just one more thing.

One of my teachers is a twat. At least my other teacher is nice and easier to work with. I have literally 3 more classes before I am done with my Bachelors and I am so freaking excited about that.

My son signed up with the Air Force. I am so proud of him. He still has to go to MEPS, and he's signed up for Delayed Enlistment (so that he can take a vacation with his Dad which is awesome) this means he won't go to boot camp until sometime in or after August. I honestly think the Air Force will be good for him and that he will succeed there. He's so damn smart, so very capable.

My boyfriend, he is just still freaking amazing. So damn happy that I am with him, so damn lucky in our relationship.

So. Overall, life is good, perhaps not so easy this month, but life is still good. I am happy and content and looking forward to next month!