More family drama - wild but funny

 Ok, so about a decade ago My dad contacted me because the mother of my brother's child needed help (I think they were married. I'm not really sure. They might have been married at this point still. Who fucking knows) Anyways, she had shingles, and she was unable to watch my nephew. It was just too hard, too painful and granted shingles can really kick your ass. 

So I had agreed to take him, and I told my dad this was going to be hard financially, cause I was at that point divorced and a single mom trying to take care of a house and everything else. My dad would give me some money to help, but it wasn't a lot, just whatever he could afford. I ended up submitting paperwork to the state and got some financial help that way too.

They put him on a plane and flew my nephew to me. I had to pick him up at the airport -  special, you know, rules apply when there's a minor traveling by himself and my nephew at the time was about nine years old. 

So definitely minor and definitely had someone walking with them. I had to show my ID that I was picking him up all of that. 

I take him and he lived with me three to six months I think. It wasn't very long. It wasn't long enough, to really help him. But during that time, it was rough because I'm a very different person than his mom. I'm a very different person than his dad, my brother. I got him into school. Bought him clothes, shoes, whatever he needed. I got him into summer camp that summer before I had to send him back as well (thanks to the help of the State). 

But during that year or that time frame that I had him, he lost weight because he was eating healthy and eating home cooked meals. He was having fun. We went on hikes. We went to my boyfriend's house and he had two kids and we would go to movies or a park. We took him to the local fair/circus. It wasn't anything that big. But we got to see cool, neat stuff. He had his own room in my house. He got to play like Pokémon cards with one of our cousins and just be a kid. So it wasn't like anything bad in any way, shape or form.

 And his mom used to call almost daily and tell him that she really wants him to come home and all this stuff. Now she would literally tell me the opposite. You know, she was happy that I was watching him and helping her out and thankful that I was able to step in and take care of him because she couldn't. And then I handed the phone over to my nephew, and she would tell him that she can't afford to live without him, that she needs money from state/child support and that he needs to come home. And so this poor kid is 9 going on 10 and seriously conflicted. And at one point he literally said to me, he knows his dad loves him more, but that his mom can take better care of him. And we had a lot of conversations while he was with me but that one was painful. 

So summer comes up and I had him in summer camp. He's been in summer camp a couple weeks and this is the kind where you drop him off and pick him up the same day type of camp. Finally I guess her shingles was over and she wanted him to come home. And I remember talking to my dad saying I have no legal rights to this kid even though I did go through the state and try to submit all the legal stuff done because there in the beginning she was absolutely giving up rights to him, she had told me she could not take care of him and needed someone else to.

I should look up those court records online... they could never find her to respond because no one knew where she was living anyways. Back to it, she finally says she wants some home and I'm like OK I literally pack up all his stuff all the clothes I bought him all the clothes he came with everything. packed it up in this massive duffel bag checked it you know got him onto a plane and back to his mom.  The only negative thing I had heard before is that she said I sent him home with nothing, which is absolutely not true. 

I find out now 10 years later that she told him I kidnapped him. Are you fucking kidding me - that I kidnapped him. No, no, I did not kidnap him. That is the most insane thing ever. I was trying to help someone in my family because they're in a situation with their health and somehow now I'm a fucking kidnapper. Absolutely not, this annoys me so much because it is the most ridiculous thing ever. Ever.

Finally - Death Certificate

 I just got in my brother's death certificate, and there are several name spellings that are wrong, which is kinda sad and ironic. I will submit to get it updated though, just because names are important and vital records should be accurate.

What this idiot died from though, oy.

Acute Decompensated Heart Failure

Coronary Atherosclerosis

and other contributing factors:

Femoral Hemorrhage, End Stage Renal Disease, Sepsis, Hypertension, Diabetes Type II, Liver Cirrhosis not alcohol related. 

His heart, his kidneys, massive infection, and the Cirrhosis - my mother had that from NASH. I mean, is this more of a genetic situation to add to my damn list of things that could go wrong??

Dave did not take care of himself, barely at all. He sent his money to Levera and Kesha and let himself and his son suffer. Why do this? Why not go to dialysis, get the help needed to have a place to live (they were living out a car) and make sure you can survive and THEN send what is left to them? I don't know if I will ever not think that Levera as a contributing factor because she doesn't work and just kept asking for more. It was stupid.

What a clusterfuck. 

Pre-Op Days blending and life

 What day am I even on? I just know it's Sunday and it's been a busy weekend but in general a good one. Saturday I headed to get my bloodwork done, hung out with my niece for a bit and helped with some yard work. 

My cold/allergies suck. Hugely. So hugely I am going to check with my surgeon's office to make sure it won't cause issues for Thursday. Gods, it's really only 4 days away!!

I'm mostly prepared. I have to pack my bag and probably read the literature they gave me another 6 million times. But seriously, people get surgery every day and are ok. Granted some of them probably die too but let's not go in that direction.

There is also some family drama. Levera texted me Saturday morning asking money for her daughters passport and I was like...are you serious? I don't have the money to do mine let alone hers. She did not like my response, which granted was a bit longer than what I just wrote. But 15 texts later, I was like...are you ok? And everything she was texting me was so child-ish. I barely responded to her but she just kept texting. I don't have time for her issues and lack of knowledge or understanding. It seems when I told her to take care of her daughter, that was considered insulting. I told her to get a job, she said she had one - taking care of her daughter. Seriously? Maybe that has to change now that my brother died and can't send her all his money?? Hmm, maybe be an adult and a parent and take care of your kid? I don't know, just an idea really...but it's a concept that she seems to struggle with. THEN, later in the day she posts to not just Dave's obit but also my Dad's! I'm like, fine post whatever you want (and she removed a mean comment from before which I am glad she did) but I removed the one she put on my Dad's obit. He didn't even like her and unless you can actually be nice to people, just leave my family alone. 

I am tired. It's been a good weekend, but busy. I need to finish some things and go to bed. This coming week will be busy and then soon enough it will be updates about losing the weight and getting healthier.

Overall, I am super good with what I have been drinking/eating as part of the pre-op diet. Adjusted and life is good. Here's hoping this also transfers to how little I will be eating after surgery.

Why am I the keeper of ashes

 When my Dad passed, almost 4 years ago, I was the only one out of my siblings that had my own place and had the money and ability to get my Dad cremated and take his ashes. Because let's be real, my brothers David and John, along with my nephew David Jr, were all living with my Dad. As was my niece and sister. Damn, now that I write that literally the majority of my family was living with him. 

Anyway, when he passed, the situation was:

David Sr was basically bed bound, his kid David Jr. was the one getting him food/cigarettes/etc. He was working side jobs and supposedly helping my Dad with his business. John was randomly helping my Dad with the business, a lot of the physical items and packaging. My sister was in the hospital and the Monday after my Dad died became a ward of the state. My niece was working 2 jobs to help pay the bills and keep them surviving. I don't know if David Jr was doing anything. Well other than getting high.

It's just kinda crazy, the whole thing. 

So then my brother, David, died last month. And for a multitude of reasons, I was once again the one who could afford and ability to coordinate (this time from 3,000 miles away) his cremation. Also again, lucky me (sarcasm this time) to be the keeper of his ashes.

My brother John, lives in a homeless shelter. My nephew David Jr (his son), is homeless and I have no idea where he is anymore. Diane is still a ward of the state.  

Cemetery (from Greek κοιμητήριον, "sleeping place") 

It's just...I know that being the youngest typically means I wouldn't be the one handling this stuff in the "average" or "normal" family situation, until I was the last one I suppose. But I guess I've been the lucky one in that I've been more stable, with jobs and life in general. But damn, this shit is exhausting. It really fucking is. I am tired of this stupidity that my family keeps living through. At what point can they make better decisions and just stop this horrendous cycle of asininity.

So, here is what is left of my brother. A $90 urn and his ashes and bits. 

If you shake it a little, you can hear the bits rattle. Very weird.

Damn, I miss my Dad.

Brother's Obit

 

My brother died last Tuesday. Suffice it to say I did not react the way I thought I would. It's bittersweet and a whole juxtaposition of emotions. I knew he had health issues and did not take care of himself. That has been his life for 20+ years. I was surprised he actually died. Somehow, I think he was going to continue making life difficult for long time yet. It's just...weird. I don't have all the words for it.

But...I wrote his obit. No one else has the capacity right now to do it. And it's just one of those things that should be done.

What I had originally written for my brothers obit. I was told I was too mean and that I should not include those kind of truths when someone dies.

David Laurence Varnell, aged 54 - way too young - passed away in Los Angeles, California on February 8, 2022.

David leaves behind three siblings: John, Diane and Alison.  He was also a mediocre father to his son, David Jr and his daughter Kesha.  He tried to be a good parent, early on and was more moderately successful then, but life seemed to have a way of complicating his abilities in that area.   David also left behind 3 nieces and 1 nephew.

He loved playing foosball, video games, pinball, pool - you name it. He got very good at both pool and foosball, having spent a lot of time practicing those. When he was younger, he played soccer with the AYSO, at which was very good at. He was always curious about how computers and consoles work and would take them apart to figure them out, very much self taught in a lot of the things he accomplished over the short course of his life. 

He could be funny and nice and helpful, he was all of these things at many points and for many people. He got distracted by a lot of negative things over the course of his life too, some of which sadly made a bad impact on his health, his skills and family.

Hopefully he is at rest and in peace now.

What it finally ended up as:

David Laurence Varnell, aged 54 - way too young - passed away in Los Angeles, California on February 8, 2022.

David leaves behind three siblings: John, Diane and Alison.  He was also a father to his son, David Jr and his daughter Kesha.  David also left behind 3 nieces, 2 nephews, 1 cousin and the friends he made during his many adventures.

He loved playing foosball, video games, pinball, pool - you name it. He got extremely good at both pool and foosball, having spent a lot of time practicing those. He was always active , with sports or having fun. He was continuously curious about how computers and consoles work and would take them apart to figure them out, David was very much self taught in most of the things he accomplished over the short course of his life. 

He could be funny and nice and helpful, he was all of these things at many points and for many people. He got distracted by a lot of negative things over the course of his life too, some of which sadly made a bad impact on his health, his skills and family. But he tried and that is all any of us can do.

Hopefully he is at resting peacefully and knows that he is missed.

 

Hopefully the revised version is well enough to not cause drama.

I even sent my brother John the link and I haven't talked to him in 3 years. 

I did not include Levera (nor his Ex Noreen) - or the 7 supposed adopted kids in the Philippines he has.

Missing him

Today is a bit of rough day. Two years ago I got the call that my dad had died. It was the start of roller coaster, for sure. And thankfully things are mostly settled down. I gained a lot of weight and let my bad habit run wild for a bit. But that too is calming down and I'm in the process of reducing the weight again :)

So tonight, I made NY Steak Strip, shrimp, these great little decorative potatoes, sauteed asparagus and steamed broccoli. Dad would have loved it.

Now for some Drambuie.

I miss him. A lot.

Here are some pictures of him across the years.

A Mini Update

I had a suspicion this month was going to be rough one. It's almost been one year since my Dad died. His birthday, father's day and death all happened this month. Adding to this, I am taking 2 classes at the same time, something I try to avoid because I like my sanity and having at least some time to spend with those I love. It's all stressful.

So. To add to the drama, my sister. Who *was* a ward of the state until this past week. She's struggling, but I do think she will be able to swim in the long term, with some help along the way. But damn, it's just one more thing.

One of my teachers is a twat. At least my other teacher is nice and easier to work with. I have literally 3 more classes before I am done with my Bachelors and I am so freaking excited about that.

My son signed up with the Air Force. I am so proud of him. He still has to go to MEPS, and he's signed up for Delayed Enlistment (so that he can take a vacation with his Dad which is awesome) this means he won't go to boot camp until sometime in or after August. I honestly think the Air Force will be good for him and that he will succeed there. He's so damn smart, so very capable.

My boyfriend, he is just still freaking amazing. So damn happy that I am with him, so damn lucky in our relationship.

So. Overall, life is good, perhaps not so easy this month, but life is still good. I am happy and content and looking forward to next month!

How to cripple today's teens and young adults?

Have an internet outage.

Seriously, I am doing my homework at the Green Turtle right now because it has a more reliable internet than my house and it's due by midnight.

Getting home today, my son and niece (17 and 23 for ages) were both complaining of how slow their cell phones are and how the main wifi was not working and they could not watch TV (I stream it, no more cable) and how they couldn't watch youtube or netflex or whatever.

It's just kinda funny.

Breathe, it will be ok.

It's really not the end of the world to not always have instant internet access.

Love them, it was a good reminder to me if anything. Live in the moment.

Excited for Spring and Summer

Can I just say that the weather changing, even if it has caused my allergies to go hay wire, has been awesome. I am loving the warmth of the sun and the blooms of the flowers.

I'm excited to do yard work, turn the earth and plant some herbs or veggies.

Also, I am back to red hair. I tried bleaching it, going blue and attempted purple, which just made it overall this cool gray/silver color with some leftover blue roots and some purple highlights. Interesting, but a bit off. Now that it's red again, I need a bit of a shorter style.

Classes are still going. Almost one with the current class, and I will have a week off before the next one starts. What is new is this summer I am taking 2 classes, with a month overlap, not my typical MO. I will be graduating in the spring of 2020 and I am definitely excited for that!

My kid is doing amazing. Mostly A's and B's, he's about to turn 18 and then graduate. I am so damn proud of him. He has a job lined up until he is processed with the Air Force (fingers crossed on that). He is just a good kid, and I am so happy he's made some good decisions and is thinking about his future, even if he is clueless on what that is as of yet. Who has a clue at 18?? Very very few and even then it can change pretty rapidly and easily. He's been lucky in some things, but I am just happy with how much he's matured in the last couple of years. It's so nice to see the person you love and have taught and guided and helped to develop into a person you are proud of and want in your life. That does not always happen.

In other news, I still have this amazing boyfriend that I absolutely am in love with and super happy to still be with. It's going on 6 years soon and that is pretty damn amazing :)

Vacation @ Myrtle Beach

It. Was. Awesome.

We left before the ass crack of dawn on Friday. Got into Myrtle Beach by 11 am. Checked in and headed to the beach. The boys loved it. We all loved it.

The sand between you toes = Awesome
The slightly chilly ocean washing said sand = Incredible

Walking along the shore with your love, hand in hand, beyond happy!!

I don't even remember Friday night. Oh wait! I took a nap while the boyfriend took his kids to the amusement park and my Kid hung out (he was a bit freaked out over the ominous looking seas and sky and yeah it was freaking looking) but he woke me up from my light snooze (bad!) and we talked about it (good). I can totally relate to those eerie feelings about the ocean.

The layout of the room was nice. It had a double bed, a full galley kitchen and a living room with a pull down Murphy bed (that was ours), It had 2 bathrooms that shared 1 shower, which was also awesome. I found out I don't particularly like cooking in a galley kitchen. I felt cramped by that, but otherwise it was awesome :) Being able to get groceries for breakfast, snacks and lunch was pretty impressive with 3 kids :) It certainly made things easier (ok, well except for clean up!)

Since our bed was a pull down, it was magnificent for leaving the balcony door open all night and waking up to the ocean waves - absolutely glorious!!

(Ironically, the boyfriend and I both agreed last night that just sitting on the couch, watching tv - it was way too quiet)

Friday night was eating in and Saturday morning was bacon, croissants and and and yep that's it. We didn't get to the eggs - too excited to get out of the room!!

Saturday was laying out on the beach, listening the kids have fun, finding pretty shells and some shopping. Saturday night we went to the Pirate Voyage, which is like a Medieval Times with water, mermaids, pirates (of course) and sea lions. In other words?? Awesomeness. Preshow was an hour long, had some snacks and beverages (We got to keep the cups, which is good because those drinks were good and yummy and sorta expensive). The food was food, good but not crazy freaky good. The service was really good though. I would totally recommend it to anyone seeing it for the first time :) I am not sure if you want to see that same show a bunch of times in a row, probably a good idea to change it up over the vacations ;) Then it was time for putt-putt golf. Now, I have no played that in a good 20 some odd years. I mean, seriously. I had so much damn fun! I laughed almost the entire time (and score, I got 2 hole in ones!). After that, it was time to relax and sit in the Jacuzzi and then bed :) Beyond awesome, the whole day.

We got up sorta early on Sunday, packed the car, walked the beach one last time (for now) and headed for home. The home trip took a wee bit longer (more stops for food/breaks) and we hit a small snag in traffic. I was a bit cranky once we got back to his house. I think my brain melted somewhere along the road and my filter was not working for a short minute. But, I got my game back in play and loaded my car up and got the Kid home.

Being back home? Nice. Though I will say not so nice that I didn't wish I was still at the beach!! The Kid got his lunch made, I did laundry and then it was just a matter of sorta getting my brain to function until bedtime.

Overall, huge success, awesome vacation. I had such a phenomenal time!!

A lot of little things

Ok, so life is all over the place lately.

Since I am now officially divorced (YAY) I can legally change my last name. Now, first I must got to Social Security to do this, then the DMV and after that, it's everything from my bank accounts/credit cards, to house/car titles to ordering new checks to work and anything I've ever used my married last name for (like LinkedIn). I need to make a fucking list.

I am also in the process of opening an IRA account for the money that is from the Ex per the divorce. Who knew that can take such a process, and don't you know, it's smarter to wait until my name is changed.

My nephew's mother is a piece of work and is now stating she can't raise her son, again. I have no idea what's going to happen, I just know that last time is was painful and hard to change our lives into a new family when we took him. Got him fit, changed his outlook, started really teaching him positive things and then she demanded him back 4 months later. And not even 2 months goes by and she's all - I was wrong to take him back. I told her (and everyone) that he has to go into the foster care system. That she has to really give him up. Because I am not a yo-yo and this poor kid has already been too through to fucking much to keep on doing shit to him. And if I could be his foster mom, that is better than informal kinship without much help. Ugh. And honestly, right now, that's sadly a big IF. He's a great kid, in that he can be a great kid. He's a smart mouth, a know-it-all, and exhausting. He deserves better than he's gotten, but I can't change the past. I don't even know if I can help him now. Until you raise someone else's kid, you have no idea how different and hard it is. How much you change and sacrifice and at the end of it still feel like whatever you do won't matter...he has the gene's of my drug addict/alcoholic brother and his always-theVictim/NoResponsibility-manipulative mother.  That is a tall fucking order. But wait, let me know rearrange my whole life (again) and possibly damage my relationship and hope my 13 yo son isn't a constant prick, because I'm the only one available. That makes me feel awesome, not. I'm already a single parent. I remember lots of time crying in the shower because I was so stressed. I know that part of that was IN PART because he really thought this was temporary (and oh look it was) and he didn't see the point of making a connection. I have no idea if he's going to make a connection. Who wants to raise someone who doesn't WANT to connect with you. That hurts. Why, again, would I want to do that??????? Because he's my nephew? My brother's son? Because it's not his fault his parents are assholes and he's gotten the shaft for the last 9 years? I just don't know...

My son is 13, and his hormones are like a permanent case of PMS. I never know when he's going to have a melt down, which includes throwing a 5'8" sized temper tantrum, cussing and yelling, stalking off and slamming doors and then crying. And then apologizing for being a dickhead. Ugh.

And throwing a traumatized 9 year old into that? Ugh.

And trying to get house/home/yard cleaned, organized, anything on top of that? LOL. I need more energy it seems. Or something.

School starts Wednesday.

I was contemplating going back to college, actually get a degree.

At least I am getting my period still, on a regular basis. For over a year now. That says something to me in a very profound way.

I think for right now, I am going to keep my goals small. Keep my life simple. I only want complicated in the books I read.

I have a lot of thinking to do.

I am looking forward at least to a couple things. The Maryland Renaissance Festival and a mini vacation to Myrtle Beach.

Weenie Roast and Tubing down the River

Sunday we were at a Weenie Roast. S'mores were involved. The Kid had a fun time :) The the tubing was interesting in that he should probably have some form of footwear on next time.

A little bit of everything - Drama - Busy - Life

I haven't been posting a lot. Between work last week, my birthday and sister visiting, it was just too hectic!! Which is good :)

I can say that I do miss my sister. It was so awesome having her here! I really wish I could see her (and my niece and dad of course) more often, as in we lived closer to each other. I know that's not going to happen any time soon, because I don't think they will move to this general area and I know I don't want to live in CA.

Also: Coffee. Sheetz has the best caffeine kick (at least for me). I've had 2 3 cups of coffee from work and I am still sleeping as I type. Whereas, Sheetz gets me wide awake. Hmmm....

So I've started downloading my emails back into outlook, it's been forever since I've done that. Then sorting/deleting (which I need to do more of) and figuring out what I need to keep and what I should let go. I have some really freaking OLD emails. I see that I am a pack rat that way. I think it's time for those emails to go on the way side of things.

Drama last night: The Kid realized we had not seen Tiamet all day. This equaled an immediate freak out at 9 pm, a search of the house, a shake of the treat bags to coax any possible cat from a hiding/sleeping spot. No Tiamet. The Kid called his dad, after I attempted to reassure him that I would call the Humane Society and our vet in the morning to let them know she was missing...My very very good/awesome/amazing friend/bf was over and I guess checked my back yard to see where it was possible she could have gotten out at. Well, he found there was only 1 real spot by my side gate and he checked around front and saw her sitting on the porch!! He came in and told us, so I grabbed the bag of treats and went out front. She had gotten scared and darted under the neighbors porch. But my calling and the bag of treats shaking convinced her to come back inside. I fed her a hand full of them, then promptly gave her a bath. Because, yeah, no idea where she had gone. I don't think she has fleas, didn't see any on her. So, after a bath (btw, she was originally freaked out, but calmed down as it went on...and she really likes to be dried off!), she had food, water and lots of love. The Kid called his Dad and let him know and then went to bed. Diego is not at all happy with her smell and is growling/hissing at her and anything/one that walks by him. Good times...

I have also found out who the culprit is that has been pissing on my bath mat/towel/anything on the floor in front of the tub. Puck. He did it right in front of me. I am wondering if his caterwauling at night is because he CAN'T get into the bathroom to do his evil pissing. Now, I know that once a cat finds a spot, that is not always the easiest to get them to stop. So I will be bleaching that spot and then taking both him and Tiamet to the vet, since she had her little escape episode last night. Oh the joys!!

 The Kid has after school band practice this week and next week. Which means I will need to work some extra hours in order to leave early for those days. His first football game is coming up soon too, oh and 2 parades! Yikes! Busy kid this month!!

Also: I would like one of those Elusive Naps please. See, they even now get their own Capital Letters!!

It was awesome seeing my sister :) I know I already wrote that I miss her, but you know, sometimes just SEEING someone face-to-face, makes such a world of difference!!

I have my cruise coming up in just over a month. OMG, I have no real idea of what I'm wearing either. I need to go shopping...

And now working on cup of coffee # 4...

Back to shopping, I need some shorts. And maybe 1-3 tops for traipsing across foreign lands. And possibly some shoes for this as well. As for the more dressy gowns, I have a couple of those. One I need to try on and see if it still fits well though. It's one of those body hugger ones and shows off my back. Oh I wonder if I can get some pics and will post them :)

As I wrote before, I splatted my phone. I was originally expecting my new phone to come in by Thursday but Amazon notified me that it will be Tuesday. Hurray! See, at the AT&T store, the phone I liked was $99.99 plus all the associated fees. On Amazon, it was $19.99 (plus all the associated fees) - so yes, I will save $80 thank you very much. I will run another back up on my phone Tuesday, and download all the pictures off of it. Then start that fun fun fun process of getting my new phone up to warp speed. This sucker has a 13 mp camera! WOOT. It's bigger than my current phone, but really light. I am hoping my new(praying) indestructible case I bought to put on it doesn't add too much weight.

I think one of the reasons I have the dropsies right now (oh did I mention I dropped my coffee this morning? Not all of it, but hello!) is because I haven't been reading as much. Today, at lunch, I will - I WILL - read. Oh snap, that might be kinda hard WITHOUT A BOOK TO READ!! So, ummm, yeah scratch today off that option!! Ok, so tomorrow night. Tonight, I have to organize some shit from my dining room table and office desk at home. Because, yeah, that shit is a little bit (read: WAY) disheveled.

Ok, time to actually eat something (left overs from dinner the other night) and maybe read the news.

Why do you read??

During my therapy session last night, we talked in part about my reading and what it means to me. I don't know how it can affects others, at least for the most part.

I know at what age I got truly interested in reading. I was 12 years old, living in San Fernando Valley in Southern California. I was in 6th grade. My sister had just read this book and said I should read it. It was Pawn of Prophecy by David Eddings. It was also a revelation.

At this point in my young life, I was happy and miserable at the same time. I was super tall for my age (and then stopped growing for several years) so the start of middle school wasn't as bad as it could have been. School life really wasn't the issue, home was. Both my brothers were in and out, they were drug addicts and gods only knew when/where/what they were working (though then it was mostly construction), my sister starting high school, so world of difference between us there, Jean (aka mother) was working in South Central LA as a teacher on emergency credentials. We were Mormon, which meant church on Sundays, baby sitting and pretending my Dad was "working" somewhere in Arizona while we barely surviving. Don't get me wrong, the church helped us like you could not believe in those years. It was hard because we could never talk about what was really going on and pretend everything was normal, ok, nothing to worry about. Not to mention my mother was not exactly the best at parenting.
We had 3 dogs, 2 females and 1 male, that we breed. This helped keep us afloat, because we would get $400+ per puppy (Bichons). I hated the boy dog, Fred, though. He was too fucking smart and a total ass. We had several cats, which Jean named after her fave actor at the time, Sylvester Stallone - so we had Rocky, Rambo and I think Sylvester. Rocky wasn't quite right in the head (different story, different post)

Ok, so onto why I got so into reading. Back then, and for many years, it was an escape. Not just any escape either, it was safe. Safe to be close to the characters, to live through them, experience what they did and feel what they did. To learn - so many things. My life really wasn't that bad and could have been so much worse. I was lucky to be living during the times that women have value and to know it's ok to fight for that value. To know that they are good people, bad people, and people in between. It was ok to be happy, angry, fight for what you believed in, to protect others and yourself. It was ok to be yourself.

It gave me peace. It helped me figure out who I wanted to be, and not just succumb to same old shit everyone else did.

As I grew up and older, I didn't take those qualities as much because I didn't need them as much. Reading then challenged me, to think more and deeper. It gave me pleasure and stress relief. It gave me reasons to ignore assholes and to not take some things personally. It gave me perspective.

There is nothing quite like reading a novel that ramped you up so much, broke your heart along the way and then ended so satisifying you just wanted to bask for a little while in the thoughts of it. (Melanie Rawn's Sunrunner series comes to mind)

And as I became an adult, working and paying bills, reading became more and less at the same time. I didn't always have the resources to buy books, which meant they became that much more valuable in my mind set. I do wish I was more aware of the library systems back then!! I also didn't have as much time to read. So I would read in chunks of time, mainly on the weekends or later in the evenings. Then came marriage and with marriage you totally forget about everything and everyone else for a time :^D

But reading, it's certainly changed me, helped me grow and just BE as a person.

How I read books now, is much different from how I started out. Now, it's pleasure and me time. Sure, there are sometimes it's a stress relief from work, or a brief glimpse of a different reality (because that violence isn't as close to home as the news on TV) but for the most part, it's because I enjoy the story. Some stories are amazing and I love getting that rush off a good plot/plots. I love getting pulled into something, some amazing world or characters that I wish I knew in real life or even the humor behind the banter going on. Now, I am entering the book, whereas before the good was a gateway to someplace else.

I am not using the books to escape from an unhappy life, not anymore. I am reading a good story. Some books and characters I get more attached to, which means their authors are the ones I keep watch out for more (and ok, it's like 100 authors at this point...). I just love reading and the joy it brings me.

Why do you read?