Post Op Update

 I am on Day 1 of Week 2 of Post Op. 

I am still on a full liquid diet, though I won't lie I have slightly cheated on said liquid diet. But I am trying to keep it to a minimum. 

In general, I am doing good. No complications or drama. Having major surgery was a new experience! It was a good one overall! Funny story! As I was getting onto the main table from my gurney, I literally got a charlie horse in my right calf muscle. Because of course my body has be difficult it seems.

The first few days were just slow, sitting and watching TV. Nothing bad or dramatic. Then we drove to Target. The car ride was painful, and while I enjoyed walking around Target, I got tired and I think a bit sore. I really did not like the car ride. Then I was back home and watching TV and not really into wanting to crochet or do my other crafty projects yet. And then Wednesday, I had a Dr's appointment. Which I had to drive to. 

That drive, that drive was much more painful. But I did it, got to my appointment. At which the Dr was surprised I drove myself because it seems I was not supposed to do that. Opps. I covered it with how I was a passenger the other day and the Dr. then just kinda slid over it. Then it was the drive home. One word. Excruciating. And it was 2 of my incision sites and I wanted to cry. I almost cried. It was close. The highway was the worst part, and the side streets second next painful. 

And then, I noticed a pain on my left side right below my breast. It was so intense that I took a pain pill yesterday and it made me a bit loopy. So loopy in fact I ended up clearing out a cabinet of old stuff nothing being used (some since 2015 and 2016!) and also reorganized some of the shelves in the fridge. And I did dishes. And wiped the counter. And emptied the trash. And made dinner for Mike. In other words, I did too much. I didn't rest. And my side still hurt. I took a different pain med, and it just made me tired. I went to bed early and thankfully this morning my side does not hurt as much. I did read a lot yesterday on seeing any other bariatric VSG experience the same thing. And it thankfully didn't see uncommon, but it could take time or no time. It could be breathing exercises or not, it could be a muscle or not. I felt like because of the driving it was a muscle that was overworked. It still hurts a bit today and I will probably take another pain pill that makes me tired and just rest. 

Also, I just miss food. I miss chewing food. 

But, I have lost close to 20 lbs so far between Pre and Post Op, so that's awesome and it's important. My health is important and my future health is important.

Time for more liquids...

Pre-Op Days blending and life

 What day am I even on? I just know it's Sunday and it's been a busy weekend but in general a good one. Saturday I headed to get my bloodwork done, hung out with my niece for a bit and helped with some yard work. 

My cold/allergies suck. Hugely. So hugely I am going to check with my surgeon's office to make sure it won't cause issues for Thursday. Gods, it's really only 4 days away!!

I'm mostly prepared. I have to pack my bag and probably read the literature they gave me another 6 million times. But seriously, people get surgery every day and are ok. Granted some of them probably die too but let's not go in that direction.

There is also some family drama. Levera texted me Saturday morning asking money for her daughters passport and I was like...are you serious? I don't have the money to do mine let alone hers. She did not like my response, which granted was a bit longer than what I just wrote. But 15 texts later, I was like...are you ok? And everything she was texting me was so child-ish. I barely responded to her but she just kept texting. I don't have time for her issues and lack of knowledge or understanding. It seems when I told her to take care of her daughter, that was considered insulting. I told her to get a job, she said she had one - taking care of her daughter. Seriously? Maybe that has to change now that my brother died and can't send her all his money?? Hmm, maybe be an adult and a parent and take care of your kid? I don't know, just an idea really...but it's a concept that she seems to struggle with. THEN, later in the day she posts to not just Dave's obit but also my Dad's! I'm like, fine post whatever you want (and she removed a mean comment from before which I am glad she did) but I removed the one she put on my Dad's obit. He didn't even like her and unless you can actually be nice to people, just leave my family alone. 

I am tired. It's been a good weekend, but busy. I need to finish some things and go to bed. This coming week will be busy and then soon enough it will be updates about losing the weight and getting healthier.

Overall, I am super good with what I have been drinking/eating as part of the pre-op diet. Adjusted and life is good. Here's hoping this also transfers to how little I will be eating after surgery.

Pre-Op Day 3

 Day 2 went well overall. I had prepared better for work and had a bison burger for dinner, along with steamed broccoli and cauliflower. It was definitely good! I tried some Pho broth (it came from the store, not a restaurant) and it was so-so, not my favorite. Not sure if I will finish that container. Will see.

Day 3 is going good as well. We went for a walk today down by the C & O Canal and that was nice. A bit longer than I should have done probably, we did 2 miles and it took about 45 minutes. Dinner again is the bison burger and with green beans. I will say it is so nice to have food at least once a day with drinking all the shakes and water. It's like a reward.

I was better today about drinking water. 

I'm not as hungry as compared to day 1 thankfully. But I do want something crunchy and the green beans hit the spot for sure.

I've done some prep work for tomorrow so that will be helpful.

Pre Op Diet

 Today is Day 1 of the Pre-Op Diet

It's really all about the shakes! Breakfast, snack and lunch and if I'm still hungry after dinner, another shake.

Breakfast was Quest Cinnamon Crunch, which I really like. I am going to try it with Fairlife Milk and see if I like that way (currently it's just with water) but the Fairlife will give me additional protein and that's helpful.

For lunch today it's Premier Protein Strawberries and Cream. Eh. It's fine, it tastes like strawberry milk and I can drink it fine. But I can see not drinking this every day. Thankfully I think I have enough variety to mix things up well enough.

I had a yogurt for a snack. One of my Keto ones and I will be shopping today for another variety that has less calories.

I have a Fairlife vanilla shake for my afternoon snack. I like their protein shakes a lot, though the vanilla one is better than their chocolate.

I am very curious what my average calories and carbs will be during this time. 

I also hope that I lose some weight in the next 2 weeks before surgery.

I am hungry. It's probably going to be tough and I will be hangry I'm sure. And I am tired. Hopefully my body gets a spurt once things settle down.

Ohhh and I feel a bit chilly too. It's amazing how the body reacts to diet changes!!

2 Steps Forward!

Yes!! My insurance came back with the approval for surgery! Surgery is set for the end of this month!!

Got the call and made appointments for this same week, which is awesome sauce!

I had an appointment with my Primary Care Dr this morning at 8 am, that went super easy and good. 2nd appointment was with my surgeon, which was also went super easy and good.

The biggest pieces of info:

• Take out birth control 2 weeks prior to surgery and doesn't go back in until 1 month after
• I will be out for 4 weeks, my job is too physical to take a change on bothering my stitches
• It nice to hear I'm on the low end of BMI's they deal with...it's just not something an extra fluffy girl hears often.
• I have a couple more things to get accomplished, blood tests and Covid test, before surgery

I had 2 interesting conversations today.

One with a coworker and good friend who knows about my surgery. His wife had the bypass a few years ago. She said to do keto and not do the surgery. This is the 2nd time she's not to do the sleeve, at first she said to do the bypass. I said to my coworker that I'm not doing this because I have a bad relationship with food, it's more due to having an endocrine system disorder (PCOS). His wife had/has issues with food. She choose to go and eat fast food and make some unhealthy choices. (if anything, mine would be more related to drinking too much). I told him I've done keto and I did not get the results that she or others may get because my body does not send the right/same type of messages. I need something to cause this hardware reset. Then I can start with the software updates of healthy food and drink choices. I was surprised in both her statements though. It could also be that some info is lost in translation too.

2nd conversation was with my regular FedEx driver. I told him I was having surgery and blah blah blah. He asked why and I said really it was the the colonoscopy coming back with a precarious polyp. And family history of diabetes and cancer and I explained in more detail. He was super nice and supportive and said he was glad I was doing something about it and how it's amazing what technology can do now and give warning. He's a cancer survivor. And it was just so nice to hear someone say something positive right off the bat. Only him and my niece have done that so far.

So, yeah it will be nice to weigh less and look good. But damn it, I want to be at a healthy weight so I have a better life. I don't want diabetes or the other health issues of my family. Nope nope nope!

Yes, I know it will start off as miserable and pain and unhappiness. But the long term results are what matters.

It's a head game

 I don't think one realizes how much a head game it is. Food is this whole thing that you need/require to survive and as a species we've gotten to the point of consuming quite a bit more than needed. And some of it isn't even really good food for you. It's a chemical make up to make our brains things it's getting what it needs because it tastes good but the reality is your body suffers for it.

I guess because I do read so much on the WLS and VSG, and trying to make sure I am as prepared as possible, wrapping my head around the head game of my food habits has been interesting and somewhat surprising. Of course you want to think you've got shit under control. But that fact is I don't. I snack, sometimes good things and somethings bad, right moments/wrong moments. I "treat" myself for whatever xyz reason. I'm an adult, I can recognize that over my life time I've tried to do better and self sabotaged at the same time. Who knew!

It's been interesting, probably because no one LIKES to admit they make mistakes and while a big (no pun here) issue is my PCOS/endocrine system issues that contribute a significant amount to my body not doing the things it's supposed to, I think in the last few years (at least), my drinking and snacking have just made a whole lot worse.

I am really appreciating the fact that I won't be able to make those choices after the surgery, because those are bad choices that I seem to repeat on the most. Restrictive doesn't have mean bad and for so long, I have definitely viewed it as such. In this case, specially for me, it will feel like a curse but it will be blessing.

Submitted and waiting

 Completed the last step in requests for the insurance requirements! I contacted my bariatric office today and they are submitting it to the insurance company for approval. I am so damn excited. This is a very impressive tool in handling not just weight issues, but in giving my body a very much needed hardware reset - mainly because of my PCOS. I am staying focus on the course and the long perspective. I don't want the negative health issues of my parents or siblings and losing weight will greatly assist in that. Not to mention, having required diet changes will make a further impact. 

Also, getting old sucks and I will take advantage of anything that will help me in the long term. 

Am I nervous about the surgery? Honestly, no. I've never had surgery so I don't know what I'm in for, but I know there will be pain after. That I understand, I also understand it will be temporary. Am I excited to only to be able to sip liquids at first and eventually be able to eat? Not so much, but again, it's just part of the process of shifting into a better version of me. And really, that's the whole of it. A healthier me, where I can do more and continue on this path of happiness.

 

Why am I the keeper of ashes

 When my Dad passed, almost 4 years ago, I was the only one out of my siblings that had my own place and had the money and ability to get my Dad cremated and take his ashes. Because let's be real, my brothers David and John, along with my nephew David Jr, were all living with my Dad. As was my niece and sister. Damn, now that I write that literally the majority of my family was living with him. 

Anyway, when he passed, the situation was:

David Sr was basically bed bound, his kid David Jr. was the one getting him food/cigarettes/etc. He was working side jobs and supposedly helping my Dad with his business. John was randomly helping my Dad with the business, a lot of the physical items and packaging. My sister was in the hospital and the Monday after my Dad died became a ward of the state. My niece was working 2 jobs to help pay the bills and keep them surviving. I don't know if David Jr was doing anything. Well other than getting high.

It's just kinda crazy, the whole thing. 

So then my brother, David, died last month. And for a multitude of reasons, I was once again the one who could afford and ability to coordinate (this time from 3,000 miles away) his cremation. Also again, lucky me (sarcasm this time) to be the keeper of his ashes.

My brother John, lives in a homeless shelter. My nephew David Jr (his son), is homeless and I have no idea where he is anymore. Diane is still a ward of the state.  

Cemetery (from Greek κοιμητήριον, "sleeping place") 

It's just...I know that being the youngest typically means I wouldn't be the one handling this stuff in the "average" or "normal" family situation, until I was the last one I suppose. But I guess I've been the lucky one in that I've been more stable, with jobs and life in general. But damn, this shit is exhausting. It really fucking is. I am tired of this stupidity that my family keeps living through. At what point can they make better decisions and just stop this horrendous cycle of asininity.

So, here is what is left of my brother. A $90 urn and his ashes and bits. 

If you shake it a little, you can hear the bits rattle. Very weird.

Damn, I miss my Dad.

One booked, one to go

 I have a hysterectomy booked for December of 2022. I am very relieved and excited and just a wee bit nervous. This will be the 2nd surgery for the year and I've never had one before so the next several months are going soooo very exhausting and interesting.

I am hoping for the gastric sleeve surgery to be in May...there is just a lot of hoops and requirements and appointments before I can the actual surgery date. But, that will be such a major and positive change to life! I know it's seriously hard work and the amount of reading I've done on it has helped me prepare - or as prepared as one can be, for something like this.

But health and happiness are important factors to life and no one else can do this for me, it's one of those things you have to do for yourself.

Breast MRI

 I just called to try to schedule an appointment for June - which I can't because their scheduling does not go that far ahead - but what the incredibly nice lady told me was 1. I need to call in May and 2. I need - NEED - to be on my period when I start. She said it has to do with how their machine works and that the picture won't come out right.

This is a for a MRI Breast Bilateral with and without contrast.

So I had said I had one before and they did not mention this and she thought I meant another location and I said, I am pretty sure I had done it there but it was because of my Chek2 mutation and then she said that they do make exceptions and that could have been one.

Very interesting....

Brother's Obit

 

My brother died last Tuesday. Suffice it to say I did not react the way I thought I would. It's bittersweet and a whole juxtaposition of emotions. I knew he had health issues and did not take care of himself. That has been his life for 20+ years. I was surprised he actually died. Somehow, I think he was going to continue making life difficult for long time yet. It's just...weird. I don't have all the words for it.

But...I wrote his obit. No one else has the capacity right now to do it. And it's just one of those things that should be done.

What I had originally written for my brothers obit. I was told I was too mean and that I should not include those kind of truths when someone dies.

David Laurence Varnell, aged 54 - way too young - passed away in Los Angeles, California on February 8, 2022.

David leaves behind three siblings: John, Diane and Alison.  He was also a mediocre father to his son, David Jr and his daughter Kesha.  He tried to be a good parent, early on and was more moderately successful then, but life seemed to have a way of complicating his abilities in that area.   David also left behind 3 nieces and 1 nephew.

He loved playing foosball, video games, pinball, pool - you name it. He got very good at both pool and foosball, having spent a lot of time practicing those. When he was younger, he played soccer with the AYSO, at which was very good at. He was always curious about how computers and consoles work and would take them apart to figure them out, very much self taught in a lot of the things he accomplished over the short course of his life. 

He could be funny and nice and helpful, he was all of these things at many points and for many people. He got distracted by a lot of negative things over the course of his life too, some of which sadly made a bad impact on his health, his skills and family.

Hopefully he is at rest and in peace now.

What it finally ended up as:

David Laurence Varnell, aged 54 - way too young - passed away in Los Angeles, California on February 8, 2022.

David leaves behind three siblings: John, Diane and Alison.  He was also a father to his son, David Jr and his daughter Kesha.  David also left behind 3 nieces, 2 nephews, 1 cousin and the friends he made during his many adventures.

He loved playing foosball, video games, pinball, pool - you name it. He got extremely good at both pool and foosball, having spent a lot of time practicing those. He was always active , with sports or having fun. He was continuously curious about how computers and consoles work and would take them apart to figure them out, David was very much self taught in most of the things he accomplished over the short course of his life. 

He could be funny and nice and helpful, he was all of these things at many points and for many people. He got distracted by a lot of negative things over the course of his life too, some of which sadly made a bad impact on his health, his skills and family. But he tried and that is all any of us can do.

Hopefully he is at resting peacefully and knows that he is missed.

 

Hopefully the revised version is well enough to not cause drama.

I even sent my brother John the link and I haven't talked to him in 3 years. 

I did not include Levera (nor his Ex Noreen) - or the 7 supposed adopted kids in the Philippines he has.

The itchy boob

 I can not express enough of seriously fucking itchy my left boob/nipple is. I just ordered some extra hydrating lotion for it, because the Lubriderm Advanced Therapy is not doing it.

Peri/Menopause is fucking rude.

I know you can get itchy anywhere from this, but damn, my left tit is just screaming at me ALL THE TIME. I've put lotion on, 5 minutes later - MORE. Then it feels calm...and then it's like MOOORRREEE BITCH!! And I am at work! Trying to get shit done and my this left nip is just like - MORE LOTION NOW.

I have used more lotion in the last couple days than in how previous year! ON A TIT!

Oy!!

Oh and the hair loss? I clogged the drain again...from 2 showers. 

Good times.

And this stupidity lasts for YEARS. No wonder women are miserable half the time! 

Fuck no. I don't want this. 

Another, but different, Dr's Appt

 So yesterday was fun...

I had an pelvic ultrasound, and everything looked good - ovaries, uterus (it's tipped to the back, who knew!) and all that. Then the Dr came in, took a biopsy of my cervix, and to be honest the pain was that of one of my mild to middle type of cramps during my period. It wasn't bad, I didn't even react to it. Mainly because I am used to that type of cramp and in full honestly, I am used to a LOT worse (I wonder if I should do a "put a finger down" TikTok on that??). But it did cause bleeding and I wasn't prepared for that at work AND I was a bit nausea after the appointment. (This made it an easier decision to go home and nap instead of back to work the rest of the day)

Then, they did a Saline Infusion Sonohysterogram, which was a new experience. You could see on the screen pretty easily that I have a polyp. The Dr said this could be causing my heavy ass period bleeding. By heavy, I bleed about 160-195 ml of blood each month - all in about 2 day span - and this does not include any spotting/light period stuff either. The average period is 5-80 ml with 80 ml being heavy.

Suffice it to say, I'm a heavy bleeder.

I told the Dr. I would prefer a more permanent solution, because removing the polyp will LIKELY reduce my bleeding, it won't fix all the other issues going on. I much rather remove the whole package down there if that is possible please. 

He said the biopsy will be back in a couple days, and from what I've read they are usually benign. However, I just had a precancerous polyp in my last colonoscopy, so I am definitely keeping my fingers crossed this one is a plain jane.

One step forward

Meeting 1 

I got to meet the surgeon today, very nice guy. Went over information, skipped the things I generally understood. I will get pictures of the procedure but he doesn't video record. I asked.

I'm stopping a lot of my supplements for the moment, except for a few like vitamin D, my probiotic and my pmdd/menopausal one that I like. I also now need to get a good multi to take.

What's interesting is - my OBGYN Dr is liking the sleeve surgery to help my PCOS/IR - losing weight resets my body in a lot of ways for that. My new PCP was really asking me to go on BC like, what if I get pregnant after the surgery - I haven't gotten pregnant in 20 years with no BC...but I guess I can see how that would somehow be a concern if my PCOS/IR is reset...maybe. I'm also going into menopause stuff so IDEK. I am questioning this hard core, but I also know that BC can affect weight so...I am going to talk to my OB when I see him later this month.

Part of the next 2 months is learning to eat, chewing thoroughly and not drinking anything while eating. It's a different experience. And sipping water! With no straw - who knew this would be weird and take me a lot longer than I thought it would (to drink 64 oz in a day). 

I keep reading more and more on reddit, thinking about how much this is going to change my life. I still can't get over the excitement of the end goal - or well the mostly end goal - I don't think it's ever NOT a consideration because PCOS is a mean fucker and this surgery is only a tool.

I also have to keep a food log. So far I am using MyFitnessPal again and it's helpful - it's always been helpful but I am definitely looking at why and what I am eating, and how I need to focus on my relationship with food and shift it as well. I don't thankfully have an unhealthy relationship, it still needs to change. I will say that when I do this, I do get really good at NOT eating, especially those things that are not healthy. Which can be a struggle right now because I have to maintain my weight, for insurance purposes, until I do the pre-op diet. I am so used to always being focused on losing, it's a good but weird situation to be in. 

Making some life changes for 2022

 Since I just had my 2nd colonoscopy (yep, one of those more medical posts) in December, and it came back precancerous (which is not horrible, it's not cancer) it's like it lit me up in taking some more significant steps regarding my health. 

First off, I'm fat. It is what it is, I know what's caused it (thank you PCOS/insulin resistance and now perimenopause) and I've done a lot of different things over the years and have yo-yo'd the weight back and forth. My lowest was in 2013 when I weighed about 214 lbs. When my dad died, for about 2 - 2 1/2 years I drank more than I should have. The fact is, when you have PCOS/IR, you're fucked. Everything is a fight to lose weight and then a harder fight to keep it off. PMS? There goes the 5 lbs you've lost back with some extra. It's a vicious cycle and it can take some more extreme measures to get it under control (seriously, at one point I was working out 5 days a week, sometimes twice a day and using Fitbit to track my food/calories/carbs AND IT WAS STILL IMPOSSIBLE TO LOSE WEIGHT). And yeah I looked good but my weight did not decrease. Egg fasts accomplished that more than working out ever did.

Anyways, so now I'm getting old and I'm tired. I'm tired of everything being a mission impossible and not having any of the fun action scenes. 

So I started researching the gastric sleeve. My insurance wasn't the most intuitive to understand if it was covered how much it costs, so I was seriously considering Mexico. And honestly, would totally do that if my insurance didn't cover it - but a couple web chats later it was confirmed and when I hit my out of pocket max, they cover all of it. Honestly, that will be cheaper than Mexico so that's a win.

How my insurance works is this:

$1500 deductible

They then cover 80% - until...I hit the out of pocket max of $3000 - they cover everything else.

So essentially I have to pay $3000 for this (and they only cover bariatric 1 time, ever).

I've been all over Reddit, there are so many different forums there. I've been researching medical papers, medical sites (their info on the sleeve and the bypass) and just trying to get an idea of how much this is going to change me and life. I don't think I fully understand it all - some things you can't really know until it happens. But the overall pieces are that I will lose a shit ton of weight, my stomach will be the size of a banana and it's like a hardware reset for my PCOS/IR. Which means, a whole lot of good things I hope. 

It's a start. I still need to remain focused on the end goal, being healthy. This means to continue doing weight training and walking more. It means to look at food differently, yet again. 

 It's one step forward, a happy excited step for better things!!

One hand made present coming up!

So earlier this year, I finally made a Mickey ears with pressed pennies, from out 2019 Disney trip. My niece saw it, loved it and wanted one. I had enough pennies leftover to make her this: 

Maybe the angle in my picture taking isn't the best, but it looks good :D

Holiday Quilling and Scrapbooking

  One of the things we are trying for holiday season is Quilling. Paper art. I told my kid that because of the vacation from October that we are trying to not spend as much money for the holidays. I had asked him what he wanted (instead of a video game) and surprisingly he said a scrapbook. So suffice it to say, today I went to JoAnn Fabrics and got him a scrapbook to work on. I will need to be speedy with it so that he gets it in time. Something that should be interesting since I've never scrapbooked in my life. I want to also include a Quilled Yule ornament. I got a whole kit from Amazon. There are some seriously amazing options for this and I'm excited and slightly nervous! I'm only nervous because it takes time to create the whole thing, but damn they are absolutely gorgeous. Hopefully we figure it out easily enough, something I will say Youtube is super helpful with. 

So finding the pictures and figuring out how to create a simple scrapbook for my son and then quilling some holiday ornaments.

All in time for the holidays and it takes 2 weeks to get to him. With all the other stuff going on. Oy!!

I still got him some items off of Amazon, because it's tradition to send him a stocking with little things in it, that was always his Christmas more than anything else. We celebrated all the gifts at Yule and Xmas was 1 thing from Santa and his stocking. Now his stocking can have some good shit in it,  so it's not all candy or silly things. But still, this year is a bit less in general. It's weird. We don't need more things, we need more love and empathy and help and caring. And experiences and adventures. Things can be great and helpful, but sharing in the love in your life is so much more than those things.

Here's hoping the next couple weeks are successful and good.

Holidays and more

 It was such a good Thanksgiving. I really enjoyed it, spending it with Mike's family, having Jessie there.

It's always a good thing to catch up with people, family and friends. The food was great, and it was just a great night overall.

 I totally missed Raven though. I can't say enough how much I love and am thankful for having all the phone calls with Raven and hearing his voice. And it's awesome to see how much he has grown and matured in the last year or so. I know that part of it is just life making it happen, but damn I have an awesome kid.

Christmas is coming up though. It's a bit of a mad rush to get some stuff made and shipped out for Raven, and made in for family/friends. But that means time! Plus, there are a lot of medical stuff going on and time is just going faster than one would hope for. I can't believe it's almost 2022. Seems slightly insane to say the least.

I am lucky enough to have the last 2 weeks of the year off, something I am seriously looking forward to and hope it helps me decompress. This last 2 years have been rough. And yeah vacation in October was great, but it didn't feel like a full ass vacation.  I'm hoping the one coming up, even though it's a stay at home type, really helps me just..reset.

On the more medical side, I am fairly confident that I am entering that peri/pre-menopause phase. Man, the mood swings along are vicious. Hair loss (again), some of the overall body heat - it all just sucks. Do not recommend and I am not looking forward to it getting worse. Nope. Not at all. I am also back to taking a ton of my PCOS supplements, trying to get my body back into a better shape and healthier.

It was a good birthday

 On Saturday, I got my nails done with this cute Disney theme and though I did keep the nails short, it's weird trying to do normal things. Like type. Or open a knife to open boxes. Definitely typing. It just feels weird to *have* longer nails, mine are so brittle in general and I keep them short.

I dyed my hair, the henna did not seem to take a whole lot. This and the last time I tried something new, making the henna and then letting it sit for 24 hours before I put it on. The next time I dye my hair, I'm not going do that and see if I can actually get it more red. My white hairs came out soooo orange. At least it's good for Halloween :D

The birthday in general went nice. I made zucchini lasagna and dump cake. I drank wine and mimosas. I created a Disney Mickey Penny Art from the pressed pennies I got 2 years ago at our last trip. I was surprised how quickly it was to hot glue everything together. It was super helpful that Mike pre-outlined the Mickey for me :) I have enough for another Mickey, Mikes wants to get more pressed pennies from this trip

 Overall, I'd call it a success. 

Free write 5 minutes for class

 that sound of silence that makes you want to breathe and cry at the same time. the moment of the a day where you can feel your heart beat and you don't want it to because of the pain it may cause. That brief, ever so brief of a moment where you are so frustrated and happy for it that you can't imagine how insane it can be to function in an every day world. the music of that silence, the harmony of the quiet that is so damn loud that you feel shattered by it It's a moment I crave and want and don't want to exist in. That heart break of losing him, that idea of drinking his favorite drink and remembering his voice and how amazing his hug was. I want to cry but I just want silence, the quiet of my mind and soul. I want to feel numb and delve into the deeps of why I even feel this way. That silence, where you feel it and hear it and dwell in it, all at the same time as the cars pass by and the cat meows at me and the work must continue. No, I want to silence the ache in my heart and silence the pain I don't feel at the sadness. I need a breath, a painstakingly difficult moment of silence.