So, I have been staring at my screen off and all half the day trying to think of some way to detail this feeling/idea/something that is stuck.
My Ex (and hopefully soon to be official) filed the divorce paperwork this morning. He called and said I could just file my response to this with the paperwork and that would save us (again, hopefully) 30 days of processing. It means he would not have to have me served and then me file what I gave him today. So, that is awesome freaking news. I quickly filled it out, 2 copies, and drove it over to him. I waited at the court house while he was filing and only headed out once I got the text that everything was set. And he also said that because he/we included the Separation papers, that is what will be used with Family Services (it goes to them next because of the Kid) and he didn't have to fill out the financial sheet again. We had done that to figure out the child support anyway, so at least it seems good to go.
I have a check already written out for my half of the filing fee.
It's a relief. It really is. I just need/want this whole thing official and over though. I think once that happens, I will breathe so much easier.
Because it seems when I see him, I freak out a little bit. It's gotten a lot better as the months go on, no more full fledge panic attacks. It is hard to pull out those remaining thorns that have grown during the course of 10+ year marriage. And don't get me wrong, I think we both have those thorns, because we just really weren't with the right person. I'm not going to go into the whole (possibly ever, because really, what is the point of that now??) thing, but I do know that I have changed and grown and become more since we split. Life has a way of making that happen :)
So. It's this whole bittersweet reality that just takes your breath away and then gives you clear sight. It's not easy, it's really not. It's the good kind of pain (at least for me) and it's cleansing and it's those silent tears in the girls bathroom. It's just amazing to me how much life can change in a moment. So many good things have happened in the last year, that finally being able to let this go and just grieve over it is welcomed.