It's a lot like busy - to the tune of holiday music

 Work has been increasingly busy! Life has been catching up too! Between my surgery coming up, Jessie having the baby and helping out on the weekends and work just becoming this pretty non-stop daily thing, I am exhausted.

Exhausted.

Oh and lets add in some of those fun perimenopause symptoms coming around, with sleep being more elusive and some of mood swings are back.

But! I just did have my last fucking period!! That is so amazingly awesome and I just can't stop grinning every time I think about it. I am excited for this surgery - don't get me wrong, I understand there is going to be bit of a long recovery in general and that life will instantly be turned upside down - BUT things should even out (I need to contact my GP about HRT probably now) and things/life will be better. It's not just preventative, it's also quality of life for the next 10 years. Keep your fingers crossed I don't lose my mind and change all kinds of life options in the wrong ways.

Also, the holidays are literally right around the corner. Thanksgiving is next week and then it's surgery and then Christmas/Yule. It's just a lot! And with all these surgeries and health things this year, I will need a 2nd job to pay off this debt sooner rather than later. That will be a fun thing to figure out once I am out of the healing stage.

I think I have 90% of my gift shopping done. It's hard to make some decisions on what to get things for someone you love/care about and not make it too silly or unnecessary.

Oh and I am going to keep working on losing weight. I'd like to lose another 30 lbs in the next 6 months. Not sure how realistic that is with my hormones going off the rails here shortly, but I have hope and persistence. I want to lose 5 lbs before surgery, plan on re-doing the liquid diet I did for my last one. The first 3 days were the worst but after that it was livable. 

My cat Diego, who is 16 going on 17, is on thyroid meds and his kidneys are just barely starting to show some signs of potential issues, per the $355 vet visit last week. 

I miss my son.

Holding a baby is both therapeutic and amazing.

I need to cut my hair, clear off my nail polish and clean the shower. These are things that are on my mind on a regular, if not daily basis, but have yet to do them in that last 30 days. I have no idea why I am delaying, but none of them will take long to get accomplished. 

I have one more thing to fill out for the surgery too, a listing of everything I am taking (which is a website site and if I could be smart and get it done at work that would be fine but I feel like I need to get it done at home where are my things are...it's weird. Why is it so weird?)

See, it's all a bit of a cluster. I am spinning and throwing darts and hitting some targets but not all of them. And a lot of them are important targets.

I need to start using my planner, it was so helpful before and I got away from it because the routine, was well established routine. But right now so many things are shifting again. 

Also, people put their heads on pillows...not their feet. It would be nice not to use a pillow as a foot rest, especially without socks, all over a pillow that someone might be sleeping on later. I mean, ew. Ew. Granted, if your foot is injured and it's being elevated, that's one thing. No, this is just pushing bare feet against a pillow that is on the floor for some reason. Why is it on the floor? Why the need to put naked feet on it? Are those feet clean? It's just...ew. How am I going to clean this pillow now?? It's a larger one so damn.

In other news, it got freaking cold outside!  Which is both nice and annoying, as I really do that utopia temperature of 70 degrees with a crisp breeze or light wind. Winter is just around the corner and it will hopefully being a safe one and nothing too dramatic.

And I have also confirmed that I can not eat a lot of sugar in one sitting. It makes me nauseous and my stomach was not happy. I got hot. I was literally working in the garage without a jacket or my vest (I love my vest) to cool off which thankfully helped. Oh another thing happened a couple weeks ago. I must have drank water too close to eating because my mouth was just filling, FILLING, with salvia. It was a bit wild. So definitely do not drink within 20-30 minutes of eating, especially a meal that makes you full. 

Ok, I think my brain has run away enough for the evening. I need to get to bed and sleep a happy deep sleep. 

What you're not changing, you're choosing

 I saw this quote today and it really hit me. It is making me think...about a lot of things

A little Disney Boo

I am so excited! We booked a mini vacation to Orlando for Halloween/Samhain weekend. That shit will be so much fun. We are going to Epcot for 1 day, during the food and wine festival. I am trying to figure out, since I don't eat a whole lot anymore, what foods I DO want to eat. They have all these little vendors dotted through the walk and so many interesting things to try! I know we gotta pace ourselves, and I feel like everything I want to really try is only in a couple sections. Maybe it's just a good excuse to walk the Showcase several times and just try to get it all in. I know there are some new rides there too, and with Jessie's baby being born at that point, knowing me - I'm going to want to shop for him too. So that day will definitely been full of walking.

We will spend a day in Downtown Disney, which honestly is always fun. I love going in the shops, eating at our favorite places and people watching. It is never boring or annoying. 

I love the fact we can get a direct flight, a quick uber and just be embraced in the mood so quickly.

I also bought the following, which will go up on the balcony 10/1, if not sooner.

   

The ghost is 5 feet and the colors can change :) The purple fairy lights, I only got 1 string (but it's 66 feet) but I think I can make it look good in that little space ! Neither item was expensive so if I need more lights I am down with that. I need to go through what fall/holiday stuff I brought back from storage and get that put up as well. And even though it gets windy, that ghost is going to look perfect.

Today's the first full day of fall, there is a chill and wind and I just want to breathe it all in and let it wake up my soul.

It seems I need some more coffee :D

Minor updates

 There is a lot I want to write about, but I'm not quite sure where to start!!

It was my love's birthday. So that is awesome ;)

My niece is due to have her baby in about 3 weeks. That's super exciting and I can't wait !!

Work - is work. Not sure what is interesting about it right now - just the normal frustrations and good stuff.

Medical - now this subject matter is more tedious than anything. 

WLS - Still losing, sorta. I'm in a stall (but honestly I'm stalled between 193 and 194, so that's an awesome place to stall at) and I will focus more next week and breaking the stall and getting losing again.

Medical Billing - good gods the medical billing can be frustrating. I literally paid my portion but for some reason 1 Dr's office is like - we see that payment amount but it says that I still owe so therefore you still owe. I'm not paying it twice fuckers. So I called my HSA card people and my Insurance people and hopefully all this new lovely documents will help them understand math better. Thankfully though, all my other ones have been good and nothing too outrageous.

Hysterectomy - this is coming up in December. I am excited to have this done. I am a wee bit stressed about the recovery. Mainly that it may take longer and I am trying to go back to work after 2 weeks. I took off 4 with my last surgery, and 2 surgeries in 1 year, it just seems like a lot. I am also trying to do more research into HRT because I am going to want the hormones. Instant menopause (is waaaay better than the typical 7-10 years of that shit) means that I'll want those hormones sooner rather than later. Peri sucked and I don't want that again and nor would I wish that on any woman.

I also think about the fact you should not have sex for 2-3 months, that recovery means months in general and I really hope it doesn't cause me to stall the whole time in my weight loss. It's a lot. But the long run is, with my genetics and whatnot, I will be healthier. And that is important. Focus on the goal!

So in a nut shell, life is good, nothing bad is going on and there are a lot of changes coming up. 

Happy Anniversary and thoughts in general

 It has been 9 years since me and my bf had our first date. It's wild just how much has happened, which of course is life in general but I don't think we always think about the future of things. 

Like how my son is an adult, in the military is old enough to drink! Holy Fuck!! I've bought and sold a house. Had 4 cats, now 2. Multiple vacations, drama/family situations, death of my Dad and brother. Covid. Just, I don't even know how to take everything in and just breath for a moment and then refocus on the rest of the future.

I'm very happy with not getting married again. Having a life partner is amazing enough. 

I have no idea what the future will be. So much is still, not quite in flux per se, but more of this whole "wait and see" stage. My niece is having a baby, his youngest is not focused on doing anything that requires a job/moving out of her moms house, the market for housing is stupid (as it is for cars!) and I think I want a different job in the next year or so. There are a lot of options and pathways and I feel like right now it's a holding pattern. 

And I have a hard time holding said pattern I think. Not horribly so, but I just want some kind of forward direction that isn't vague as shit. I mean, yes, I could give myself some hard points of direction...and I am starting to plan that out to a degree. But at the same time, I don't want to fuck something up just because I'm annoyed or impatient. 

I am still losing weight, now more slowly (which is fine by me). I have another surgery scheduled for December so I know there is that to consider. Holidays/birthdays/birth coming up. So I know that part of things is just letting them figure themselves out a little bit. I guess, I just feel this - tug - to DO SOMETHING. I just don't quite know what that something is. 

I love my boyfriend. I am happy with the majority of our relationship. I am looking forward to living life more fully. I just don't know what means in all it's glory.

Another Dr's Appt

 Today was the follow up from my breast appointment/MRI. Of course, my Dr has not received the results (the MRI was done at the end of June) so hopefully when she does get those, they are all normal.

She said because of my Chek2 mutation, I'm at a higher risk for breast cancer and that is why I wanted to check and see if HRT would be ok after my hysterectomy. And she would prefer I didn't, because by getting the hysterectomy, I would be cutting my breast cancer risks in half. But if I take the hormones, it would be the same as if I kept my ovaries. Ummm, no I will take the hormones because wow the perimenopause I experienced before the WLS, was not a happy thing at all. Fuck that. 

It's still a win for me, because though my chances don't go down, at least I will remove one potential cancer issue in my ovaries and I would not be experiencing peri/menopause for a decade of my life. Because seriously, that is some kind of crazy bullshit.

Last week...

 You know, some days and some weeks are just better than others. This week has been very, eh - very unmotivated. Which is life, some time is just like that.

My weight has dropped, slight regain and honestly, I am in Onederland, so I am ok as I keep losing in general. I don't need to race.

I met with a different Dr at my 3 month follow up, as mine was out. I did not like this Dr nearly as much, he was too much - in your space - and I just don't need that. But he had some valid information and even if I don't personally like him, information is at least unbiased. Overall, I've lost 51 lbs since my first appointment and 12.8 since my last appointment. Not bad. 20 lbs more to go to hit goal and then, then life will get harder probably because I want to lose another 25ish after that. So if I can keep this mostly steady, in the next 3 months I should be able to lose the 20 lbs and then the following 6 months the remaining 25ish. Goals!

Onederland

 That elusive thing, Onerland, has finally been met.

At first, the 199.2 pounds didn't quite seem real. I decided to wait another day to make sure it actually was that and not just a temporary thing. My surprise the following day when it went to 198.6 not only confirmed my entrance into a newer frontier but made me realize how fucking nice it is. It's been a long time since I have been this weight and while I did reach (and a little bit less even) sometime in the last 9 years, it was with a strict diet, working out 5 days a week and sometimes twice a day AND if I changed anything (like ate a normal meal) the weight was BACK ON. 

Now, however, I am losing and it's staying off and continuing to drop even when I do eat something like baklava and souvlaki with pita and have a glass of wine. Such a world of difference.

Speaking of wine, I have definitely learned I can not really drink a whole lot of red (as in not even a full glass) because I will get heartburn and it sucks. And I have also found that now I actually enjoy white wines (did not like them in the past) and they do NOT give said heartburn. I still, and am happy about, I can't really drink more than 1/2 to a full glass of wine - and I don't mean my kinda pours that take up the whole glass, I mean those typical restaurant pours. 

I feel like I may be able to accomplish getting to my Dr's goal weight of 180. And when that happens I feel like I may be able tot continue downward to my goal weight of 150-160. I know there will be some regain as years and whatnot go on, so I am hoping that by going lower and staying there I can keep it minimal. 

I have another surgery scheduled for December, so I am hoping that doesn't impact my future weight loss too much. It would be nice if it helps with it, but since it's a hysterectomy and I will have to figure out a nice hormonal balance via meds after, who knows!

So happy, in general :) 

Movie Theatre Popcorn

 We went to watch Thor: Love and Thunder last night and I did a bad thing. I ate the popcorn and learned it is absolutely a slider food and that I can eat too much of it and cause my smaller stomach distress. So, no more popcorn for me. I will contrive some form of healthier snack options moving forward, because the popcorn and Peanut M&Ms weren't it. Granted, I am pms'ing right now and that always, or at least typically, causes poorer decisions when it comes to food choices - but this one lesson was enough to change my mind set. 

I would still like to try popcorn made at home...but that should probably wait a bit until my stomach has calmed down.

And the thing is, it wasn't like some amazing popcorn - the stuff we make at home tastes better. But it was just sooooo easy to eat. And I did make sure to chew it really well. I just had too much.

Thankfully my weight didn't get effected too much for the day. '

I have noticed the last couple of days I have been having a bit of a struggle logging every single thing. It's because of the bad choices of foods more than likely. Which has made me realize I need to stay smart and make some better snacks for me to enjoy. 

Still losing and it's wild

 I had this idea, that because of my PCOS, I would be a slow (or well, slower) loser when it comes to WLS (and that still may happen). But I'm over 2 months out and it feels like forever but wow only 2 months. Anyways, I just thought my weight would stall or it'd stop and I'd lose X number of pounds and try to figure out something from there. Because of hormones. But, I am still losing, 2.6 lbs this week so far. For me, that's crazy! It's awesome crazy is what it really is.

I track everything I eat, making sure to hit protein and water goals and the calories have definitely gone from the stable 600-800 range to a 1000 in the last week (holiday and whatnot) but even so, I am still losing. I would LIKE to get back to 800 calories. I am tracking carbs really more than calories but I guess I would feel better if they were a shade lower. 

For me, it's about finding new things to enjoy that won't kick my body out of sync. And that can be extra super hard when PMS hits, like is right now. I fucking want chocolate. Hard core. I bought chocolate and chocolate chips to make fresh cookies (I eat like 1 maybe 2, randomly) but maybe I should make some pudding with PB protein or something and see if that will soothe this desire a tad.

I am soooo close to being under 200 lbs, that is super exciting. I will be celebrating that one for sure! And since I can really only eat like 3 oz at one time, my celebrating is like 5 bites of something extra delicious.

I don't stress when I gain weight back, because I know it's usually because I over did it the day before and it's temporary. Yes, staying under 50g of carbs and hitting those goals are critical in the 1st 6 months, if I can lose the majority of my weight during this time, I am absolutely good with that. Have I tried things I wasn't supposed to? Also 100%, and will continue to TRY things. It's making those choices into habits that will get me into trouble. You do have to weigh in (hahahaha no pun intended) quality of life stuff, but I will say for me the weight loss is because I want to be healthier and not end up in the same situations as my parents or brother. And healthier means making better and smarter decisions. Which is NOT easy during PMS. I think I have to give myself a pass during this week and just do the best I can. I am not going to beat myself up over temporary things.

Mini update

So thankfully my Covid experience was pretty mild. I have no complaints whatsoever on that score. My taste buds are still relearning themselves, which is what it is.

I was in small stall with my weight, but my period just started so I have no doubt it's hormone and food related, because I have had cravings and have been eating more (by like 200 or so calories). I've been good, in general, with keeping my carbs and sugars low and my protein and fluids high.

In other news, I miss my kid. I miss hugging him. I love that we talk so often. But having a presence is very different than not. I can see why people want to leave closer to their kids. And with Jessie pregnant and me trying to help as much as possible, it's all heart and emotions and figuring things out. 

Well, Covid finally struck

 Over this past Memorial day weekend, I was struck with Covid bug. My boyfriend caught it first, more than likely from a work function he had last week. He said it felt like allergies, but then it quickly turned worse. He never naps and he NAPPED on Saturday. I started feeling it Saturday night and by Sunday morning was definitely sick. I honestly thought it was a head cold/sinus issue because my face...my FACE HURT SO BAD. And my ears were hurting like a sinus infection. The pressure was stupidly horrible. I took meds, they helped. Sunday was a rinse and repeat. Monday, again rinse and repeat but I was not getting better. My boyfriend was definitely on the mend though so one would have thought I would be there soon too. Nope, more fever and body aches and more sinus pressure. 

Tuesday morning, I woke up, still in pain. I decided to go to CVS Minute Clinic and I knew they would want a Covid test and since I have the home rapid ones, I thought it would be better to know before I went anywhere if I did/didn't have Covid. And I was shocked and surprised when it came back positive.

I contacted my boss and let him know and told him I was scheduling a PCR test (this is required by my work) and I got that done that afternoon. I am still waiting on those results.

My bf then tested and low and behold he was also positive on the rapid test. So he's working from home, while I am just sick at home. 

I am finally starting to feel better today, no more fever and my face no longer hurts (well, me at least ahahahaha)

Today though, I also noticed my taste buds was like 98% gone. I have barely tasted anything and it's soooo weird. Like I may as well just eat whatever since I won't get to taste it anyways. Sad but maybe this will also help with the weight loss :) Trying to find that silver lining anywhere I can !!

And hopefully I will stop getting light headed every time I stand up.

I am just thankful I got it after having the vaccination and booster done. I don't even want to imagine how much worse it could be...

Finally - Death Certificate

 I just got in my brother's death certificate, and there are several name spellings that are wrong, which is kinda sad and ironic. I will submit to get it updated though, just because names are important and vital records should be accurate.

What this idiot died from though, oy.

Acute Decompensated Heart Failure

Coronary Atherosclerosis

and other contributing factors:

Femoral Hemorrhage, End Stage Renal Disease, Sepsis, Hypertension, Diabetes Type II, Liver Cirrhosis not alcohol related. 

His heart, his kidneys, massive infection, and the Cirrhosis - my mother had that from NASH. I mean, is this more of a genetic situation to add to my damn list of things that could go wrong??

Dave did not take care of himself, barely at all. He sent his money to Levera and Kesha and let himself and his son suffer. Why do this? Why not go to dialysis, get the help needed to have a place to live (they were living out a car) and make sure you can survive and THEN send what is left to them? I don't know if I will ever not think that Levera as a contributing factor because she doesn't work and just kept asking for more. It was stupid.

What a clusterfuck. 

Post Op Update 3

It's been several days and and I am down to 217, which is freaking awesome. 25 pounds down so far. 

In the last week, I have learned NOT to do too much of any exercise, because when I did some arm ones, the whole evening and next day, I was in pain and sore and I thought it was my kidneys! But not, it was just these poor muscles that were abused because they were not used to it. So I took a couple days off and then started it back with a smaller amount being done each time.

Food, that has been interesting too. I would have thought I would be able to eat the whole 1/4 cup of tuna salad, but nope, first few days I was full before eating it all. I was very surprised by this. That fact I am in week 3 and haven't hit a stall yet is nice too, but I know it's coming. I track everything I eat and try to keep the carbs and sugars low. Calories don't matter as much thankfully! Protein and fluids are the priority first. And water still hurts to drink. Warm fluids are awesome, but cold ones and water are a struggle. What's also weird about that is I can eat popsicles fine and those are frozen. 

I am also tracking inches, and that has as rewarding as the pounds coming off. My calf has gone down an inch and I didn't think that was possible. 

Interesting things also. I have some specific WLS oatmeal, it's definitely better when using hot water vs cooking in the microwave. It's also better with a little bit extra cinnamon.

It's such a learning curve, all of it. You read all the posts and articles and whatnot and think you're prepared or at least aware of what is going to happen. But then you're home by yourself and trying to remember all this information and end up googling everything all over again.

But walking is good and getting better. Life is good in general. I am getting more energy which is soooo nice. AND! It seems my perimenopause is, well, paused. All the hormones releasing into my system has been super good and if anything it means I should go on HRT when I am back in it again. Plus, I am still scheduled for a hysterectomy later this year. I hope that going into a full on chemical menopause with HRT is a good thing. It's only a slight worry right now. I have several months before it happens and time to speak to dr's and whatnot.

Post Op Update 2

 Almost and the end of Week 2. Next week is purees. And to be frank, I have absolutely cheated. Purees, ha, I have had a slice of ham with swiss cheese daily since a couple days ago. I KNOW my stomach is still healing. I try to keep all the other stuff minimal, well ok I do try "new" things almost daily but that's to see what my stomach will handle. For instance, it did not handle eggs yet. But it like grits. It liked cream of rice better. I have never had cream of rice before. Right now I am trying Miso soup. One of the bad things I eat (mow, is it really bad??) is an itty bitty creamy peanut butter. Soooo good when I just need a hit of something.

So the coming week has savory sweet potatoes, garlic mashed potatoes, some additional soup options and a ricotta bake. Oh and tuna salad, maybe egg salad if my stomach doesn't make me puke the eggs again and chicken salad. Food. Real Food. I am so looking forward to that. Though it will also be the start of the well known 3 Week stall. There is a good youtube video explaining why it happens and there a ton of reddit posts on it, so it's expected. It makes sense, you're introducing closer to solid foods into your system and things that have more carbs for sure. Bodies gotta adjust.

One of the more interesting things I've noticed in the last few days as I've started figuring food and how to adjust to my new stomach. We eat too much. I mean, of course that's obvious, but with this itty bitty stomach, I just don't need nor even want (ok, sometimes there is definitely want) more than what my stomach can handle and the fact that I literally can't eat more than that is refreshing. When week 3 starts, I will be shifting to a more normal pattern of meals of breakfast, lunch and dinner and my protein shakes will be the allowable snacks. It will be a bit of a challenge, especially sitting on my ass while I'm still recovering. 

And I also need to start walking outside more. Which I did today with Mike, and it was just .04 shy of a miles, but it was a pretty 20 minute walk. A good start for sure.

I've also started to do some squats and arm exercises. Both my legs and arms need some serious help. 

Time to drink some more water.

Post Op Update

 I am on Day 1 of Week 2 of Post Op. 

I am still on a full liquid diet, though I won't lie I have slightly cheated on said liquid diet. But I am trying to keep it to a minimum. 

In general, I am doing good. No complications or drama. Having major surgery was a new experience! It was a good one overall! Funny story! As I was getting onto the main table from my gurney, I literally got a charlie horse in my right calf muscle. Because of course my body has be difficult it seems.

The first few days were just slow, sitting and watching TV. Nothing bad or dramatic. Then we drove to Target. The car ride was painful, and while I enjoyed walking around Target, I got tired and I think a bit sore. I really did not like the car ride. Then I was back home and watching TV and not really into wanting to crochet or do my other crafty projects yet. And then Wednesday, I had a Dr's appointment. Which I had to drive to. 

That drive, that drive was much more painful. But I did it, got to my appointment. At which the Dr was surprised I drove myself because it seems I was not supposed to do that. Opps. I covered it with how I was a passenger the other day and the Dr. then just kinda slid over it. Then it was the drive home. One word. Excruciating. And it was 2 of my incision sites and I wanted to cry. I almost cried. It was close. The highway was the worst part, and the side streets second next painful. 

And then, I noticed a pain on my left side right below my breast. It was so intense that I took a pain pill yesterday and it made me a bit loopy. So loopy in fact I ended up clearing out a cabinet of old stuff nothing being used (some since 2015 and 2016!) and also reorganized some of the shelves in the fridge. And I did dishes. And wiped the counter. And emptied the trash. And made dinner for Mike. In other words, I did too much. I didn't rest. And my side still hurt. I took a different pain med, and it just made me tired. I went to bed early and thankfully this morning my side does not hurt as much. I did read a lot yesterday on seeing any other bariatric VSG experience the same thing. And it thankfully didn't see uncommon, but it could take time or no time. It could be breathing exercises or not, it could be a muscle or not. I felt like because of the driving it was a muscle that was overworked. It still hurts a bit today and I will probably take another pain pill that makes me tired and just rest. 

Also, I just miss food. I miss chewing food. 

But, I have lost close to 20 lbs so far between Pre and Post Op, so that's awesome and it's important. My health is important and my future health is important.

Time for more liquids...

Pre-Op Days blending and life

 What day am I even on? I just know it's Sunday and it's been a busy weekend but in general a good one. Saturday I headed to get my bloodwork done, hung out with my niece for a bit and helped with some yard work. 

My cold/allergies suck. Hugely. So hugely I am going to check with my surgeon's office to make sure it won't cause issues for Thursday. Gods, it's really only 4 days away!!

I'm mostly prepared. I have to pack my bag and probably read the literature they gave me another 6 million times. But seriously, people get surgery every day and are ok. Granted some of them probably die too but let's not go in that direction.

There is also some family drama. Levera texted me Saturday morning asking money for her daughters passport and I was like...are you serious? I don't have the money to do mine let alone hers. She did not like my response, which granted was a bit longer than what I just wrote. But 15 texts later, I was like...are you ok? And everything she was texting me was so child-ish. I barely responded to her but she just kept texting. I don't have time for her issues and lack of knowledge or understanding. It seems when I told her to take care of her daughter, that was considered insulting. I told her to get a job, she said she had one - taking care of her daughter. Seriously? Maybe that has to change now that my brother died and can't send her all his money?? Hmm, maybe be an adult and a parent and take care of your kid? I don't know, just an idea really...but it's a concept that she seems to struggle with. THEN, later in the day she posts to not just Dave's obit but also my Dad's! I'm like, fine post whatever you want (and she removed a mean comment from before which I am glad she did) but I removed the one she put on my Dad's obit. He didn't even like her and unless you can actually be nice to people, just leave my family alone. 

I am tired. It's been a good weekend, but busy. I need to finish some things and go to bed. This coming week will be busy and then soon enough it will be updates about losing the weight and getting healthier.

Overall, I am super good with what I have been drinking/eating as part of the pre-op diet. Adjusted and life is good. Here's hoping this also transfers to how little I will be eating after surgery.

Pre-Op Day 3

 Day 2 went well overall. I had prepared better for work and had a bison burger for dinner, along with steamed broccoli and cauliflower. It was definitely good! I tried some Pho broth (it came from the store, not a restaurant) and it was so-so, not my favorite. Not sure if I will finish that container. Will see.

Day 3 is going good as well. We went for a walk today down by the C & O Canal and that was nice. A bit longer than I should have done probably, we did 2 miles and it took about 45 minutes. Dinner again is the bison burger and with green beans. I will say it is so nice to have food at least once a day with drinking all the shakes and water. It's like a reward.

I was better today about drinking water. 

I'm not as hungry as compared to day 1 thankfully. But I do want something crunchy and the green beans hit the spot for sure.

I've done some prep work for tomorrow so that will be helpful.

Pre Op Diet

 Today is Day 1 of the Pre-Op Diet

It's really all about the shakes! Breakfast, snack and lunch and if I'm still hungry after dinner, another shake.

Breakfast was Quest Cinnamon Crunch, which I really like. I am going to try it with Fairlife Milk and see if I like that way (currently it's just with water) but the Fairlife will give me additional protein and that's helpful.

For lunch today it's Premier Protein Strawberries and Cream. Eh. It's fine, it tastes like strawberry milk and I can drink it fine. But I can see not drinking this every day. Thankfully I think I have enough variety to mix things up well enough.

I had a yogurt for a snack. One of my Keto ones and I will be shopping today for another variety that has less calories.

I have a Fairlife vanilla shake for my afternoon snack. I like their protein shakes a lot, though the vanilla one is better than their chocolate.

I am very curious what my average calories and carbs will be during this time. 

I also hope that I lose some weight in the next 2 weeks before surgery.

I am hungry. It's probably going to be tough and I will be hangry I'm sure. And I am tired. Hopefully my body gets a spurt once things settle down.

Ohhh and I feel a bit chilly too. It's amazing how the body reacts to diet changes!!

2 Steps Forward!

Yes!! My insurance came back with the approval for surgery! Surgery is set for the end of this month!!

Got the call and made appointments for this same week, which is awesome sauce!

I had an appointment with my Primary Care Dr this morning at 8 am, that went super easy and good. 2nd appointment was with my surgeon, which was also went super easy and good.

The biggest pieces of info:

• Take out birth control 2 weeks prior to surgery and doesn't go back in until 1 month after
• I will be out for 4 weeks, my job is too physical to take a change on bothering my stitches
• It nice to hear I'm on the low end of BMI's they deal with...it's just not something an extra fluffy girl hears often.
• I have a couple more things to get accomplished, blood tests and Covid test, before surgery

I had 2 interesting conversations today.

One with a coworker and good friend who knows about my surgery. His wife had the bypass a few years ago. She said to do keto and not do the surgery. This is the 2nd time she's not to do the sleeve, at first she said to do the bypass. I said to my coworker that I'm not doing this because I have a bad relationship with food, it's more due to having an endocrine system disorder (PCOS). His wife had/has issues with food. She choose to go and eat fast food and make some unhealthy choices. (if anything, mine would be more related to drinking too much). I told him I've done keto and I did not get the results that she or others may get because my body does not send the right/same type of messages. I need something to cause this hardware reset. Then I can start with the software updates of healthy food and drink choices. I was surprised in both her statements though. It could also be that some info is lost in translation too.

2nd conversation was with my regular FedEx driver. I told him I was having surgery and blah blah blah. He asked why and I said really it was the the colonoscopy coming back with a precarious polyp. And family history of diabetes and cancer and I explained in more detail. He was super nice and supportive and said he was glad I was doing something about it and how it's amazing what technology can do now and give warning. He's a cancer survivor. And it was just so nice to hear someone say something positive right off the bat. Only him and my niece have done that so far.

So, yeah it will be nice to weigh less and look good. But damn it, I want to be at a healthy weight so I have a better life. I don't want diabetes or the other health issues of my family. Nope nope nope!

Yes, I know it will start off as miserable and pain and unhappiness. But the long term results are what matters.

It's a head game

 I don't think one realizes how much a head game it is. Food is this whole thing that you need/require to survive and as a species we've gotten to the point of consuming quite a bit more than needed. And some of it isn't even really good food for you. It's a chemical make up to make our brains things it's getting what it needs because it tastes good but the reality is your body suffers for it.

I guess because I do read so much on the WLS and VSG, and trying to make sure I am as prepared as possible, wrapping my head around the head game of my food habits has been interesting and somewhat surprising. Of course you want to think you've got shit under control. But that fact is I don't. I snack, sometimes good things and somethings bad, right moments/wrong moments. I "treat" myself for whatever xyz reason. I'm an adult, I can recognize that over my life time I've tried to do better and self sabotaged at the same time. Who knew!

It's been interesting, probably because no one LIKES to admit they make mistakes and while a big (no pun here) issue is my PCOS/endocrine system issues that contribute a significant amount to my body not doing the things it's supposed to, I think in the last few years (at least), my drinking and snacking have just made a whole lot worse.

I am really appreciating the fact that I won't be able to make those choices after the surgery, because those are bad choices that I seem to repeat on the most. Restrictive doesn't have mean bad and for so long, I have definitely viewed it as such. In this case, specially for me, it will feel like a curse but it will be blessing.

Submitted and waiting

 Completed the last step in requests for the insurance requirements! I contacted my bariatric office today and they are submitting it to the insurance company for approval. I am so damn excited. This is a very impressive tool in handling not just weight issues, but in giving my body a very much needed hardware reset - mainly because of my PCOS. I am staying focus on the course and the long perspective. I don't want the negative health issues of my parents or siblings and losing weight will greatly assist in that. Not to mention, having required diet changes will make a further impact. 

Also, getting old sucks and I will take advantage of anything that will help me in the long term. 

Am I nervous about the surgery? Honestly, no. I've never had surgery so I don't know what I'm in for, but I know there will be pain after. That I understand, I also understand it will be temporary. Am I excited to only to be able to sip liquids at first and eventually be able to eat? Not so much, but again, it's just part of the process of shifting into a better version of me. And really, that's the whole of it. A healthier me, where I can do more and continue on this path of happiness.

 

Why am I the keeper of ashes

 When my Dad passed, almost 4 years ago, I was the only one out of my siblings that had my own place and had the money and ability to get my Dad cremated and take his ashes. Because let's be real, my brothers David and John, along with my nephew David Jr, were all living with my Dad. As was my niece and sister. Damn, now that I write that literally the majority of my family was living with him. 

Anyway, when he passed, the situation was:

David Sr was basically bed bound, his kid David Jr. was the one getting him food/cigarettes/etc. He was working side jobs and supposedly helping my Dad with his business. John was randomly helping my Dad with the business, a lot of the physical items and packaging. My sister was in the hospital and the Monday after my Dad died became a ward of the state. My niece was working 2 jobs to help pay the bills and keep them surviving. I don't know if David Jr was doing anything. Well other than getting high.

It's just kinda crazy, the whole thing. 

So then my brother, David, died last month. And for a multitude of reasons, I was once again the one who could afford and ability to coordinate (this time from 3,000 miles away) his cremation. Also again, lucky me (sarcasm this time) to be the keeper of his ashes.

My brother John, lives in a homeless shelter. My nephew David Jr (his son), is homeless and I have no idea where he is anymore. Diane is still a ward of the state.  

Cemetery (from Greek κοιμητήριον, "sleeping place") 

It's just...I know that being the youngest typically means I wouldn't be the one handling this stuff in the "average" or "normal" family situation, until I was the last one I suppose. But I guess I've been the lucky one in that I've been more stable, with jobs and life in general. But damn, this shit is exhausting. It really fucking is. I am tired of this stupidity that my family keeps living through. At what point can they make better decisions and just stop this horrendous cycle of asininity.

So, here is what is left of my brother. A $90 urn and his ashes and bits. 

If you shake it a little, you can hear the bits rattle. Very weird.

Damn, I miss my Dad.

One booked, one to go

 I have a hysterectomy booked for December of 2022. I am very relieved and excited and just a wee bit nervous. This will be the 2nd surgery for the year and I've never had one before so the next several months are going soooo very exhausting and interesting.

I am hoping for the gastric sleeve surgery to be in May...there is just a lot of hoops and requirements and appointments before I can the actual surgery date. But, that will be such a major and positive change to life! I know it's seriously hard work and the amount of reading I've done on it has helped me prepare - or as prepared as one can be, for something like this.

But health and happiness are important factors to life and no one else can do this for me, it's one of those things you have to do for yourself.

Breast MRI

 I just called to try to schedule an appointment for June - which I can't because their scheduling does not go that far ahead - but what the incredibly nice lady told me was 1. I need to call in May and 2. I need - NEED - to be on my period when I start. She said it has to do with how their machine works and that the picture won't come out right.

This is a for a MRI Breast Bilateral with and without contrast.

So I had said I had one before and they did not mention this and she thought I meant another location and I said, I am pretty sure I had done it there but it was because of my Chek2 mutation and then she said that they do make exceptions and that could have been one.

Very interesting....

Brother's Obit

 

My brother died last Tuesday. Suffice it to say I did not react the way I thought I would. It's bittersweet and a whole juxtaposition of emotions. I knew he had health issues and did not take care of himself. That has been his life for 20+ years. I was surprised he actually died. Somehow, I think he was going to continue making life difficult for long time yet. It's just...weird. I don't have all the words for it.

But...I wrote his obit. No one else has the capacity right now to do it. And it's just one of those things that should be done.

What I had originally written for my brothers obit. I was told I was too mean and that I should not include those kind of truths when someone dies.

David Laurence Varnell, aged 54 - way too young - passed away in Los Angeles, California on February 8, 2022.

David leaves behind three siblings: John, Diane and Alison.  He was also a mediocre father to his son, David Jr and his daughter Kesha.  He tried to be a good parent, early on and was more moderately successful then, but life seemed to have a way of complicating his abilities in that area.   David also left behind 3 nieces and 1 nephew.

He loved playing foosball, video games, pinball, pool - you name it. He got very good at both pool and foosball, having spent a lot of time practicing those. When he was younger, he played soccer with the AYSO, at which was very good at. He was always curious about how computers and consoles work and would take them apart to figure them out, very much self taught in a lot of the things he accomplished over the short course of his life. 

He could be funny and nice and helpful, he was all of these things at many points and for many people. He got distracted by a lot of negative things over the course of his life too, some of which sadly made a bad impact on his health, his skills and family.

Hopefully he is at rest and in peace now.

What it finally ended up as:

David Laurence Varnell, aged 54 - way too young - passed away in Los Angeles, California on February 8, 2022.

David leaves behind three siblings: John, Diane and Alison.  He was also a father to his son, David Jr and his daughter Kesha.  David also left behind 3 nieces, 2 nephews, 1 cousin and the friends he made during his many adventures.

He loved playing foosball, video games, pinball, pool - you name it. He got extremely good at both pool and foosball, having spent a lot of time practicing those. He was always active , with sports or having fun. He was continuously curious about how computers and consoles work and would take them apart to figure them out, David was very much self taught in most of the things he accomplished over the short course of his life. 

He could be funny and nice and helpful, he was all of these things at many points and for many people. He got distracted by a lot of negative things over the course of his life too, some of which sadly made a bad impact on his health, his skills and family. But he tried and that is all any of us can do.

Hopefully he is at resting peacefully and knows that he is missed.

 

Hopefully the revised version is well enough to not cause drama.

I even sent my brother John the link and I haven't talked to him in 3 years. 

I did not include Levera (nor his Ex Noreen) - or the 7 supposed adopted kids in the Philippines he has.

The itchy boob

 I can not express enough of seriously fucking itchy my left boob/nipple is. I just ordered some extra hydrating lotion for it, because the Lubriderm Advanced Therapy is not doing it.

Peri/Menopause is fucking rude.

I know you can get itchy anywhere from this, but damn, my left tit is just screaming at me ALL THE TIME. I've put lotion on, 5 minutes later - MORE. Then it feels calm...and then it's like MOOORRREEE BITCH!! And I am at work! Trying to get shit done and my this left nip is just like - MORE LOTION NOW.

I have used more lotion in the last couple days than in how previous year! ON A TIT!

Oy!!

Oh and the hair loss? I clogged the drain again...from 2 showers. 

Good times.

And this stupidity lasts for YEARS. No wonder women are miserable half the time! 

Fuck no. I don't want this. 

Another, but different, Dr's Appt

 So yesterday was fun...

I had an pelvic ultrasound, and everything looked good - ovaries, uterus (it's tipped to the back, who knew!) and all that. Then the Dr came in, took a biopsy of my cervix, and to be honest the pain was that of one of my mild to middle type of cramps during my period. It wasn't bad, I didn't even react to it. Mainly because I am used to that type of cramp and in full honestly, I am used to a LOT worse (I wonder if I should do a "put a finger down" TikTok on that??). But it did cause bleeding and I wasn't prepared for that at work AND I was a bit nausea after the appointment. (This made it an easier decision to go home and nap instead of back to work the rest of the day)

Then, they did a Saline Infusion Sonohysterogram, which was a new experience. You could see on the screen pretty easily that I have a polyp. The Dr said this could be causing my heavy ass period bleeding. By heavy, I bleed about 160-195 ml of blood each month - all in about 2 day span - and this does not include any spotting/light period stuff either. The average period is 5-80 ml with 80 ml being heavy.

Suffice it to say, I'm a heavy bleeder.

I told the Dr. I would prefer a more permanent solution, because removing the polyp will LIKELY reduce my bleeding, it won't fix all the other issues going on. I much rather remove the whole package down there if that is possible please. 

He said the biopsy will be back in a couple days, and from what I've read they are usually benign. However, I just had a precancerous polyp in my last colonoscopy, so I am definitely keeping my fingers crossed this one is a plain jane.

One step forward

Meeting 1 

I got to meet the surgeon today, very nice guy. Went over information, skipped the things I generally understood. I will get pictures of the procedure but he doesn't video record. I asked.

I'm stopping a lot of my supplements for the moment, except for a few like vitamin D, my probiotic and my pmdd/menopausal one that I like. I also now need to get a good multi to take.

What's interesting is - my OBGYN Dr is liking the sleeve surgery to help my PCOS/IR - losing weight resets my body in a lot of ways for that. My new PCP was really asking me to go on BC like, what if I get pregnant after the surgery - I haven't gotten pregnant in 20 years with no BC...but I guess I can see how that would somehow be a concern if my PCOS/IR is reset...maybe. I'm also going into menopause stuff so IDEK. I am questioning this hard core, but I also know that BC can affect weight so...I am going to talk to my OB when I see him later this month.

Part of the next 2 months is learning to eat, chewing thoroughly and not drinking anything while eating. It's a different experience. And sipping water! With no straw - who knew this would be weird and take me a lot longer than I thought it would (to drink 64 oz in a day). 

I keep reading more and more on reddit, thinking about how much this is going to change my life. I still can't get over the excitement of the end goal - or well the mostly end goal - I don't think it's ever NOT a consideration because PCOS is a mean fucker and this surgery is only a tool.

I also have to keep a food log. So far I am using MyFitnessPal again and it's helpful - it's always been helpful but I am definitely looking at why and what I am eating, and how I need to focus on my relationship with food and shift it as well. I don't thankfully have an unhealthy relationship, it still needs to change. I will say that when I do this, I do get really good at NOT eating, especially those things that are not healthy. Which can be a struggle right now because I have to maintain my weight, for insurance purposes, until I do the pre-op diet. I am so used to always being focused on losing, it's a good but weird situation to be in. 

Making some life changes for 2022

 Since I just had my 2nd colonoscopy (yep, one of those more medical posts) in December, and it came back precancerous (which is not horrible, it's not cancer) it's like it lit me up in taking some more significant steps regarding my health. 

First off, I'm fat. It is what it is, I know what's caused it (thank you PCOS/insulin resistance and now perimenopause) and I've done a lot of different things over the years and have yo-yo'd the weight back and forth. My lowest was in 2013 when I weighed about 214 lbs. When my dad died, for about 2 - 2 1/2 years I drank more than I should have. The fact is, when you have PCOS/IR, you're fucked. Everything is a fight to lose weight and then a harder fight to keep it off. PMS? There goes the 5 lbs you've lost back with some extra. It's a vicious cycle and it can take some more extreme measures to get it under control (seriously, at one point I was working out 5 days a week, sometimes twice a day and using Fitbit to track my food/calories/carbs AND IT WAS STILL IMPOSSIBLE TO LOSE WEIGHT). And yeah I looked good but my weight did not decrease. Egg fasts accomplished that more than working out ever did.

Anyways, so now I'm getting old and I'm tired. I'm tired of everything being a mission impossible and not having any of the fun action scenes. 

So I started researching the gastric sleeve. My insurance wasn't the most intuitive to understand if it was covered how much it costs, so I was seriously considering Mexico. And honestly, would totally do that if my insurance didn't cover it - but a couple web chats later it was confirmed and when I hit my out of pocket max, they cover all of it. Honestly, that will be cheaper than Mexico so that's a win.

How my insurance works is this:

$1500 deductible

They then cover 80% - until...I hit the out of pocket max of $3000 - they cover everything else.

So essentially I have to pay $3000 for this (and they only cover bariatric 1 time, ever).

I've been all over Reddit, there are so many different forums there. I've been researching medical papers, medical sites (their info on the sleeve and the bypass) and just trying to get an idea of how much this is going to change me and life. I don't think I fully understand it all - some things you can't really know until it happens. But the overall pieces are that I will lose a shit ton of weight, my stomach will be the size of a banana and it's like a hardware reset for my PCOS/IR. Which means, a whole lot of good things I hope. 

It's a start. I still need to remain focused on the end goal, being healthy. This means to continue doing weight training and walking more. It means to look at food differently, yet again. 

 It's one step forward, a happy excited step for better things!!