Who knew I was a home wrecker!

 So funny story really. 

Last week, I attempted to pickup my boyfriends kid and I was waiting outside her mom's house. At some point her mom got the mail and saw me. Now, you have to understand, this woman hates me and while hate might sound like a strong word, I'm fairly sure it's accurate. So I texted the kids to warned them that she saw me because typically she is rather verbal in her dislike of me to them the most and I rather have people prepared for stupidity if I can swing it.

Anyways! It seems she also texted my boyfriend about it. Because in her text she said I was a "home wrecker" and honestly that is the funniest shit ever! Because - for the back story -  not only did SHE ASK FOR THE DIVORCE - SHE HAD MOVED OUT AND INTO ANOTHER GUYS HOUSE BEFORE I EVEN KNEW MY NOW BOYFRIEND EXISTED!!!!! ahahahahahahahahahahaha

I was separated for my then husband, my boyfriend was separated from his then wife. We meet online - after we had both had separated and each of our respective divorce processes started. 

So. No - I am not a home wrecker. 

I've been divorced now for just over 7 years, with Mike for 8. Maryland requires a year separation prior to officially being divorced. Mike was divorced before I was.

She's been like this (and honestly she's a lot better than before) for 8 FUCKING YEARS!!

At some point, a person would understand that things are not going to work out with your EX, especially after you've asked for and received a divorce. I'm not sorry that me and Mike are happy and have a great relationship. I'm not sorry that we found each other when we did. I'm pretty damn lucky and happy that we did! But his Ex - she's never quite gotten over it. It seems she has some issues to still figure out and I really hope she does. No one deserves to be unhappy in their life, especially after a divorce for people who did not work out. 

Oh, she also called me a tramp but that's just her being uncouth.

You know...Just taking a moment

I am going to privatize my blog for a bit. No need to give info to someone else's drama...restricting it down after the week

Karma (once again)

What is Karma? It came up recently in a discussion and I just wanted to think about it again more deeply...

By the Dictionary's definition:

kar·ma

ˈkärmə/

noun

noun: karma

1. (in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.

   • informal

     destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.

Origin

from Sanskrit karman ‘action, effect, fate.’

Now, I know in some viewpoints, if you do something bad or wrong, the thought is that the negative energy from that wrong will go back to the person (times 3 if you're in Wicca/Witchcraft/etc). Sometimes in this life or perhaps in a future one.

I had posted a blog on this back in June of 2013, when I was getting divorced - here's the link:
https://notjustawitch.blogspot.com/2013/06/karma.html

OR you can read it again here:

Karma

So I was reading some comments on a facebook post about what Karma is. So, I know how I think of it but wanted to google it and see what else is out there...

http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/karma.htm

Some parts stuck out to me, like:

 In other words, it is the result of our own past actions and our own present doings. We ourselves are responsible for our own happiness and misery. We create our own Heaven. We create our own Hell. We are the architects of our own fate.

and

"We are the heirs of our own actions." 

and

Karma does not necessarily mean past actions. It embraces both past and present deeds. Hence in one sense, we are the result of what we were; we will be the result of what we are. In another sense, it should be added, we are not totally the result of what we were; we will not absolutely be the result of what we are. The present is no doubt the offspring of the past and is the present of the future, but the present is not always a true index of either the past or the future; so complex is the working of Karma. 

 I didn't read all of it, but once I move I'm going to. Very interesting...

I do believe in soul journeys. That we experience things right here, right now, to either learn something or teach something. Whether we necessarily understand that or not, our soul is absorbing and disbursing knowledge, etc as we cycle through.

Ok, deep enough for the moment!! I need to do laundry :)

I will say, wishing someone else harm because one's feelings are hurt or one's life is not moving the direction one wants it, is not the same as Karma. Wishing Karma to smack down someone because they are causing harm seems more relevant possibly. I am not going to get into the what is harm by one perspective or another, that is what the universe decides in many cases.

Really though, each person is responsible for *their own* happiness or misery - that is a major point I wished more people focused on. I can not make someone else happy, my son, my love, my friends or coworkers. I can only make *myself* happy. I do not derive my happiness from others. What I have learned, is that we, as friends/family/lovers/coworkers, can *share* in our own unique happiness and that could and does, in effect, respond to other people's happiness and grow that way. I think it's that sharing that people get confused, assuming it's created by those relationships or moments in time. I have done that, we all do that.

I also believe that Karma or the universe will teach someone a life/soul lesson, so that soul can grow in understanding/comprehension. It's not about punishment or reward, it's about growth. And sometimes that growth is painful, the lesson is not always pleasant and things go sideways. Other times, it's the most amazing things ever experienced. Life is chaos in many ways, but a beautiful chaos nonetheless.

My 2 cents...

Codependent

Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.^[1] Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.^[1] Given its grassroots origin, the precise definition of codependency varies based on the source but can be generally characterized as a subclinical and situational or episodic behavior similar to that of dependent personality disorder.^[1] In its broadest definition, a codependent is someone who cannot function from their innate self and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, or even a process, or substance.^[2] In this context, people who are addicted to a substance, like drugs, or a process, like gambling or sex, can also be considered codependent. In its most narrow definition, it requires one person to be physically or psychologically addicted, such as to heroin, and the second person to be psychologically dependent on that behavior.^[3] Some users of the codependency concept use the word as an alternative to using the concept of dysfunctional families, without statements that classify it as a disease.^[4]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

Co-Dependency

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.

Who Does Co-dependency Affect?

Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

• An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
• The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
• The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited

Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

How Do Co-dependent People Behave?

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?

3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?

4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?

5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?

6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?

7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?

8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?

9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?

10. Have you ever felt inadequate?

11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?

12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?

13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?

14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?

15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?

16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?

17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?

18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?

19. Do you have trouble asking for help?

20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

How is Co-dependency Treated?

Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.

When Co-dependency Hits Home

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment centers and mental health centers often offer educational materials and programs to the public.

A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.

Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency

Relaxing Weekend and Fruits of the Garden

(previous weekend)

Chilling in the back, napping in our hammock. 

 Ahem, me (sans any make up)

And the boyfriend :)

Fruits of the Garden

This is some form of squash - definitely in the pumpkin family.

Need sharp knives for chopping and slicing!! 

 I basically cooked these in some oil and butter. They have that nutty type of pumpkin flavor, they were actually really good :)

Organic mashed potatoes (yes that is a lot on my plate, but damn they were good!!) Squash and some chicken we picked up at the store. It was a great dinner!

Divorced

Yes.

Finally.

Life is good.

Just waiting on the officially signed by the Judge papers to arrive in the mail.

Big, big smiles.

Nothing else need be said!

No "2nd Chance" For You

Ok, so get this.

Last night, while at my son's concert, this guy starts flirting with me.  And yeah, I get it - he thought I was "beautiful" (why I have issues with this word, I don't know) and I have beautiful eyes and blah blah blah.

I told him I have a boyfriend.

That did not deter him.

I told him I am very very happy with my boyfriend.

He asks me if he kissed me, and no one was around, what I would do.

I told him, not kiss him. Because, you know, I have a boyfriend.

I mean, seriously, I tell you to back it off, nicely (because, you know, we're at our kids concert!!)

He wants me to take his number, I said fine, you put it in my phone. He does, he lists it as "2nd Chance"

Ok then. Yes, I deleted it. Yes, I told my boyfriend about it.

No. I don't want a "2nd chance" with someone I don't know, who made a couple unnecessary comments (what is it with guys that seem to think they can make a woman "squirt" is some kind of acceptable pick up line, I have no idea)

Oh but I think my favorite was him talking about his relationship with God and how he's working on that.

My response? Why do you need to work on that? You have a relationship there, if that's what you believe in. You should be focusing on the relationships you have with your kid(s) and people here, because *that* is what effects you, them, their friends, their families, etc. I mean, if you (anyone) makes life better, it's going to put that ripple out there. Isn't that important??

OK, I get somethings. I get that I like to talk to people, that I am pretty much an open book and can/will talk about things in life that maybe other people are not as comfortable with. But I'm not sure how that translates and attracts guys to just hit on me, in the middle of the concert. Yes, I do smile and I am nice and all that. Still...

Anyways - I am super happy in my current relationship. I am not looking to change that. He's pretty damn awesome.

Moving on now...

Passive Aggressive Part 2

Wow, I posted about this lovely and fun subject in January of 2011. I thought it'd be nice to offer up a refresher and see what new information is out there now...

If you want to read my original post, please check it out here

I realize most of us, especially in relationships, will show passive aggressive traits at some point. When we get so angry and don't want to really hurt the other person, we might instead do it in a not so obvious way. Personally, when I have done this I was overt about it. And I know that with me personally, I tend to do this when I am still processing something in my head and know I'm upset but unable to comunicate that. It can be amazing that a simple little sentence or two, like "You really pissed me off by saying xyz..." can be so hard to verbalize.

No one is perfect, we're all working on things, but communication is key.

Below are some things I found on the net (not my written words) so please see the resources for where I gathered this info.

Signs/Examples of Passive Aggressive behavior:

Non-Communication when there is clearly something problematic to discuss

Avoiding/Ignoring when you are so angry that you feel you cannot speak calmly

Evading problems and issues, burying an angry head in the sand

Procrastinating intentionally putting off important tasks for less important ones

Obstructing deliberately stalling or preventing an event or process of change

Fear of Competition Avoiding situations where one party will be seen as better at something

Ambiguity Being cryptic, unclear, not fully engaging in conversations

Sulking Being silent, morose, sullen and resentful in order to get attention or sympathy.

Chronic Lateness A way to put you in control over others and their expectations

Chronic Forgetting Shows a blatant disrespect and disregard for others to punish in some way

Fear of Intimacy Often there can be trust issues with passive aggressive people and guarding against becoming too intimately involved or attached will be a way for them to feel in control of the relationship

Making Excuses Always coming up with reasons for not doing things

Victimisation Unable to look at their own part in a situation will turn the tables to become the victim and will behave like one

Self-Pity the poor me scenario

Blaming others for situations rather than being able to take responsibility for your own actions or being able to take an objective view of the situation as a whole.

Withholding usual behaviours or roles for example sex, cooking and cleaning or making cups of tea, running a bath etc. all to reinforce an already unclear message to the other party

Learned Helplessness where a person continually acts like they can’t help themselves – deliberately doing a poor job of something for which they are often explicitly responsible

 Consequences of Passive Aggressive Behaviour

In being passive aggressive you are not giving yourself or others an opportunity to listen to what you think or feel

When on the receiving end of passive aggression, you can feel confused, upset, offended, guilty and frustrated. You may think you’ve done something wrong, but have no clear idea what it was

It avoids communication in a very negative way

It creates insecurity in all parties

It creates a bad atmosphere between people

It is a form of conflict where either both or one party cannot engage sensibly in the issues

It avoids the real issues

It creates negative feelings and resentments in an unassertive way

 In marriages, husbands and wives often use passive aggressive behavior as the path of least resistance. In other words, a person wants to say "no" to a request, but realizes that doing so will likely result in an immediate disagreement or confrontation. To avoid the temporary unpleasantness, a partner verbally agrees to a request but behaviorally delays its completion or-more crafty yet-carries out the task according to unacceptable standards in hopes of not being asked to carry out the request in the future. Fortunately, situation-specific passive aggressive behavior in a marriage, though infuriating in the moment, is usually quite manageable when confronted directly and consistently.

Passive Aggressive Behavior Is a Habit

For some, passive aggressive behavior is not just a situational choice, but rather a deeply ingrained personality type. When a child is raised in an environment in which the expression of angry feelings is not tolerated, he learns to use indirect, passive aggressive means to express himself. In marriage, this adult child overgeneralizes and responds to his spouse as if she were the parent who stifled his emotional expression. Genuinely-loved partners become undeserving targets of ingrained passive aggressive habits and are especially hurt, confused, and frustrated to receive it. The relationship is often brought to the boiling point.

Another aspect that makes passive aggression particularly toxic in a marriage is how it is modeled to the next generation. Children of passive aggressive parents learn the indirect expression of anger as a way of life. They grow up with the belief that "anger = bad" and that hiding anger is the right, healthy, proper thing to do. Chronic passive aggression can be just as damaging to a marriage and family as outward aggression and requires focused efforts at long-term behavioral change.

Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man **This could also apply to women**


NOTE: This is the "condensed" version. For the expanded version please see Dr. Wetzler's book, pages 35-37......

FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you.

FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance.

FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power.

OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way.

FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone.

FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades.

MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.

PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him.

CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating & inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation.

AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.

SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws.

A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.

And if I could, I would re-post the entire blog about:

Afraid to Rage: The Origins of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Read it, it's worth it.
I think that if you realize that you have Passive Aggressive as a personality trait, counseling would be the first place to start.
  Resources:
http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour
http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/passive-aggression
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201105/2-reasons-why-passive-aggressive-behavior-thrives-in-relation
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/passive-aggressive-behavior/AN01563
http://health.nytimes.com/health/guides/disease/passive-aggressive-personality-disorder/overview.html
http://passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200806/afraid-rage-the-origins-passive-aggressive-behavior